Kill for your love

Three

"Good morning~" Juuzou says as he walks into the office. My team stands up and we greet our leader with respect.

Everyone takes a sit except Hanbee, which presents the case.

"We are starting our investigation meeting with the assistant of Mado san, who will kindly lead us through the details of this case - bird hunting." Hanbee hands us some papers.

"Around a month ago, some "Rima's delicacy" workers started disappearing. It was very noticeable because A lot of employees resigned, causing a major drop for the company. We tried to reach Rima Hubo - the owner, human owner, but we can't catch him up. He didn't come to a single meeting and is nowhere to be found."

I could tell Juuzou wasn't really interested. He was falling asleep, closing his eyes now and then, trying to find something to play with.

I place my hand under the table and put it on his lap. He smiles at me.

This was a tactic I learned over the years. When Juuzou was extremely bored and couldn't sit in his place, I knew he needed something to focus on. I used to give him something to color but as we raised the rank bar, seriousness was expected, and Shinohara forbade this strategy. I couldn't see my partner suffer so I handed him my hand under the table and let him paint on my flesh.

He found it very pleasing, and I didn't mind.

But this time, he took the pen I handed him and unexpectedly shoved it into his pocket. I was confused by this act, as he never rejected to draw on my skin before.

I despondently move my palm when suddenly he grabs it and squeezes it, placing it back onto his lap.

My face burns with embarrassment at this act. I feel all the air leaving my lungs as I try my best to sit straight and look unbothered.

"Y/n? You okay?" Akira asks across the table, and now everyone looks at me. Suzuya as well.

"Certainly," I manage to breathe out.

Why am I acting so stupid? So he holds my hand! So what?

"Please continue" Juuzou smiles.

"Haise Sasaki was leading this case and found a connection to the Russian "swans" ghoul mafia. Those are beautiful female ghouls who used to seduce men and kill them."

"What's the connection based on?" Nakari asks.

"They were very active in the 13th ward and stopped around the same week when the employers started to disappear." Mado closes her eyes.

This is weird.

"So Sasaki san makes this connection based on this single coincidence? That's odd" I say.

"He has a great intuition." She protected the male.

"Was he able to gather any further evidence?" Juuzou asks, his gaze fixed on my hand under the table.

Akira moved uncomfortably and gave a dismissive wave with her hand.

"I'm handing you this case because Sasaki has some... private difficulties for now and we don't want to drag this any longer. Your help is appreciated"

Simultaneously we were parted with S2 squad, cleaning the hideouts at the 23rd ward. Since Juuzou turned into a special investigator they expected more effort.

I used to be with Juuzou in almost every meeting, but things changed since he ranked up.

The yearning was awful. I missed him, a lot.

I was sitting in Shinohara's room, staring blankly at the ceiling.

"I wonder what you would say about this..." I say, narrowing my eyes.

"Usually I know what you would say. I know you so well... but we never talked about this, have we? Probably justifiably."

Looking at his peaceful sleeping face was so irritating for some reason.

"I need you to tell me what to do...Shinohara san...I don't have anyone else who can... understand. Do I tell him? Is it even legal? To fall in love with your partner... sounds unlawful. It would make it so much easier."

The silence in the room fills me with disappointment.

"Did you know this was going to happen? Why didn't you prepare me?" My voice shaking.

"Maybe you would be angry at me... telling me that love will kill me when it comes to Juuzou... right?"

Nothing.

Loneliness takes over my bones. I hate this type of feeling. You just... can't do anything about it. He will stay like this, and I will stay like myself. Nothing will change. Nothing... matters.

When I started to feel my eyes getting watery, the door opened sharply.

"y/n chan!~ I'm so glad to see you"

Of course you will be there when I need you.

I tensed.

"y/n?"

"I'm going for a walk" I say in a curt tone, passing him and walking out of the room.

I hear his fast steps going after me.

I reach the rooftop, the sun was almost setting.

"What is it?" He asks.

"Nothing" I cross my hands on the fence and bury my face inside.

I can't let him read me.

"Don't be sad, y/n chan. You are the one who always says we need to try our best, remember? Are you tired? " He pets my head gently.

It always amuses me how soft he can be when he wants. Killing so many, so brutely, and yet stroking my hair so delicately.

"Tell me" he demands. I know this tone. This was his stern tone, when he was thinking that maybe someone dared to hurt me.

"What if... what if I told you... you were my weakness too? What would you do?" thankfully my ruby face is buried.

He pauses.

"It's... not like that, is it y/n chan? We give each other strength. That thing wasn't continuous. I want you to fight with me. Are you still upset because of that?"

He won't understand. I don't know why I should even try.

But I fucking tried.

"I... have feelings for you, Juzo" I almost whisper.

"Hmm~?" I know he heard me, but he doesn't understand.

Why was I getting so frustrated? It's not like I don't know him. I know him for years, I know him better than anyone else.

I care for him more than others will ever understand, more than he will even understand. Maybe it's egoistic to feel this way... but why does loving someone feel so wrong?

What am I asking? To be loved?

Is it a sin, to be loved by your partner?

I raise my face, my cheeks are swollen and damp and my eyes glare at this confused boy.

"Why can't you just accept that I love you, you goddamn fool!"