Troubled Souls // 5SOS

XXII ∞ Recovery

• Luke •

A month has passed since I started taking my pills and going to therapy again. The summer sun is beating down on us, causing heat wave after heat wave. In the past few weeks, I think I've felt every single emotion on the entire spectrum and it's been absolutely exhausting.

Beth urges me to keep taking the pills even though I can't stand them. They make me feel nauseous and restless and they make it hard to sleep through the night. On some days, I would prefer the symptoms of my depression to gagging over the toilet every other hour or tossing and turning late into the night.

"It'll all be worth it, you'll see", is what Beth will tell me every time I complain about the side effects. Well, some days I want to tell Beth to shove her positive outlook up her ass and other days I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

During our last therapy session, Sophie had given me a suggestion to help take a step towards recovery.

"I think you should try doing something that takes you outside of your comfort zone," she had told me. "Think of something you've always wanted to do that scares you a little. Something that you'll benefit from doing. It'll help you feel productive and accomplished and it'll end up giving you a positive feeling. You need to work towards more things that will have a positive impact on your life."

The first thing I had thought of when she said that was absolutely ridiculous. I don't even know how the thought crossed my mind. I shut it down immediately, but when I got home, I started to consider it more and more.

It's so dumb. She said to do something that would positively benefit me and this can only bring disaster. But I can't stop thinking about it. While I was lying in bed, unable to sleep, it was all I thought about.

What do I have to lose? I finally thought.

I get up the next morning, after about four hours of sleep, and shower. I go to my closet and grab a plain black t-shirt and skinny jeans along with my solid black Converses, a black beanie, and all my bracelets. I spend an embarrassingly long amount of time combing my fingers through my hair and attempting to make every strand stay up perfectly. It's been awhile since I put so much effort into my appearance.

"Where are mum and dad?" I ask my brother, who's sitting on the couch flipping through TV channels with a bored expression on his face.

"At work," he replies, turning around to look at me. "Why?"

"Just wondering. I'm going out."

"Where are you going off to?" He asks with a laugh. "You already had freak group this week; where else would you be going?"

Instead of replying to his teasing question, I think for a moment before asking, "Jack, do you remember when we were younger and we used to sit on the curb and count the cars as they went by?"

A look of confusion crosses his face before being replaced by distant nostalgia. "Yeah, I do."

"We should do that again sometime."

I see a small smile form on his lips. "We should."

He gives me a sort of strange look before turning back to the TV without another word. I push open the front door and step outside into the hot sun.

The mall isn't too far away, thankfully. There are lots of kids in my neighborhood playing outside on their lawns. As I get closer to the highway, I feel the muscles in my back and arms tense up. There's a sidewalk the whole way to the mall, but it's very close to the street. Every time a car passes by me, it sends a shiver up my spine. I end up walking as far to the other side of the sidewalk as possible.