i've been clean for so long and part of me wants to fuck it up but the other part doesn't. i can't understand why it's so hard for me to get my shit together? i haven't felt like this for a while and it suck's that it's back now but what else can i do i'd rather let myself feel all the emotions and suffer. why? because i feel like i deserve it. i shouldn't feel sorry for myself and i don't want to but i feel like i'm ruining everything again. my friendships, family relationships, and other shit too. i'm a lot to deal with i understand that but i really think everyone would be better off without me. i'm always the second choice and maybe i am just wasting others time, i don't want to do that so i pull back hoping i'll be someone's first choice one day but that's never the case right? so i pretend that it's okay and eventually it is but is it really? i want to scream and sob as i feel all the pain i've caused myself but also all the pain they've caused me. i blame my mother for traumatizing me by being there and blame my father for being an absent parent. you may be wondering what an absent parent does to a child but you know what the answer to that is, the child will become an absent kid. so as i sit in my room questioning if all of this is really worth it i start to crumble into pieces, at least that's what it feels like. my heart feels like shattered glass step on one of the pieces and you get cut deeper. no matter how hard you try to ignore all of your problems you'll always find a way to run into them so go ahead pretend your happy or whatever it is you do but the feeling of not being okay will always linger in the depths of your mind. my mind.
