"I don't want to do this anymore" i said to myself. between the constant ups and downs, pushing and pulling i just don't know how much more i can handle. "it gets better" they all say "don't give up" but i don't think i've ever felt happy, sure i've felt happiness but not the kind i would have liked to feel. it's the fake kind of happiness that runs free for a little bit and you feel amazing but when the realization hits that it was just an illusion,
a mask to hide behind that's what makes it the fake kind of happiness. They say pain is strength but is it really strength if you're being broken down into tiny pieces over and over again? all those opened wounds start getting infected then all of a sudden you feel tender on the inside,
almost like a numbness. But could this numbness be a good thing? it could be, but that isn't a healthy coping skill to develop so this time the numbness is a bad thing. Sometimes it feels good to numb yourself but other times feeling numb feels like absolute shit, the feeling of being unsatisfied and empty lingers through the crevices of our minds, the infection cuts deeper into the wound the longer this feeling remains. So what's the point then? Why keep going if everything is just a tape stuck on a loop playing over again and again. Why should I keep pushing my tired mind further when no progress has been made? there is no point right now, so let go. healing can only happen once you've accepted how those open wounds became deeply infected, then you can properly start to heal.
