Don Quixote

5

Feeling loved is something that almost everyone craves. It's a feeling of dependency and security in one's self and relationship. Having someone to trust and to be there no matter what.

Sometimes, people can make you feel loved completely without real feelings. Love can be confused with desire and infatuation.

Being young can make it even more mystifying, almost impossible to tell the difference.

When I was maybe around 11 i met a guy on Instagram. I had thought it was total and complete innocence to answer his message telling me something like "your so beautiful" (though I can't quite remember what he had said).

I spoke to him for a while longer, loving the attention he gave me.

After speaking for a while longer I soon realized he had no pure intentions with me. Although I feel somewhat to blame for what had become of our conversations. I had lied and told him I was 15, which I'm sure he didn't believe, it's not like my body was that nubile for my age, but if that was what I had told him he had no reason to argue or accuse me of being untruthful. At least he was going to get what he wanted.

Soon after I had sent indecent photos of myself to him he blocked me. I felt insecure and lonely.

Soon after though, another man had contacted me on the platform. A man im sure Photoshoped many of his photos but I didn't give too much attentiveness to the subject. He had told me similar things to the last boy.

"Your so hot"

"Your so beautiful"

As soon as he had told me that I knew what he wanted, and so I gave him that. He tried to get me to show him more than the last man. When I refused he got upset and tried to persuade me to do it, but when I still said no he called me names and blocked me.

A few months later he texted me again and tried to do the same thing as the last time.

I found it amusing how he could go from calling me gorgeous to a bitch and then back to gorgeous.

The same thing happened many many times after that. I met this boy from Pakistan, he told me he was 14, I'm not sure it was the truth.

I felt like I had a serious connection with him. Like for a while there he gave me the most platonic attention anyone had ever given me. My best friend.

We spoke everyday, i told him things I could tell no one else and he knew almost everything about me. He had asked me for photos before and I gladly gave into him but nothing ever changed afterwards. He still talked to me like he had before that and we went back to close friends.

That summer my mother had taken my phone and went through my Instagram. She found everything because I had so stupidly forgotten to delete a few texts.

For years after that I was not aloud to have Instagram or Snapchat, rightly so.

Now speaking in the present I'm quite glad that my parents had found out. I wonder what would have happened to me if it had continued. I could be on a sex offender list or been kidnapped or something of the sort.

But to think I really thought those men cared about me.

They had confused a little girl to think her worth was based on what they had told her, and if she kept sending nude photos to them, her self esteem would stay too.