[18+ ONGOING]
Josephine Devereaux has spent her entire life wishing she liked change & spontaneity. But when she gets accepted into Southern Chicago U's forensics program, change suddenly isn't so scary. Fast forward two years- she's a junior at the...
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I left Josie's around 8:00 last night. We sat there quietly, occasionally bringing up stupid things to talk about. But the silence was comfortable and what she needed. It felt good.
It felt right.
And frankly, it scared the shit out of me.
I am scared. Everything feels right with her. And that's a dangerous feeling.
My grandparents always grew up deeply in love. And I'm glad I got to grow up watching them.
I grew up watching my granddad, who I just call Dad, wake up ten minutes early everyday to make coffee for grandma— mom. He had an alarm set for it and everything. I grew up watching them refuse to sell their vintage record player because dancing to music "wasn't the same" if the music was played digitally. I watched them slow dance at least once a week in the living room, not in a routine way, but more in a natural way. Like being in each other's presence was enough to make them end up in each other's arms. I watched them fall asleep together on the couch as cable reruns played quietly on the TV. I watched dad stare at mom in awe every time she sang under her breath, going on and on about how beautiful her voice was. I watched them do date nights once a month. They were everything that anyone would want. So in love with each other that it was sickening.
Me and Sawyer growing up in their presence naturally affected us. It's probably why neither of us had ever been big on hookup culture. I mean, I had done it here and there. But Sawyer was especially different. He never hooked up with girls. But I didn't blame him. He had never been that way and never would be.
I never really thought I'd feel like having what my parents had would be a real possibility for me. But there's a small part of me that suspects that she may be that person. And man, I wanna run.
I wanna fucking escape that feeling because I'm scared of it. But I also am not a fucking idiot. I know that pretending or distracting myself isn't effective. Everyone knows that. Your feelings for someone will always manifest in some way, subconsciously or intentionally. And I knew there was no point in denying or trying to run from the feelings I was developing for her. Or at least the new ones.
But I'm tired of thinking about it. About her.
I need to just get my fucking mind back. My head on straight.
Feelings are messy. And I do not want to do messy. I won't do it. I need clear cut. I don't want games. And I have to let her come to me now.
+
The gym isn't too packed for a Wednesday afternoon. I sit on the squat rack and people watch until I catch my breath. Tupac's California Love plays in my headphones and I find my foot tapping to the beat.
I grew up listening to 80s and 90s rap music. My parents never really cared much for music that wasn't slow and lovey-dovey. But a guy can only listen to so much Frank Sinatra. Especially a growing teenage boy. So I found myself downloading the cheapest songs I could find on my crappy iPhone in middle school, and they happened to stick.
