Everything Blue

L Speed

Harry and I were drinking at the bar after our dinner, he was chatting up the bartender in his amazing outfit. His shirt was a pink lace with puffy short sleeves, it was sheer enough to see his dark tattoos. His pants were white and accompanied by a crystal belt.
The room was becoming loud, the lights were too much and come to think about it; I was cold.
I wasn't stupid, I knew I had to think of a quick way to get Harry to allow me a moment alone. Normally that would be an easy task, but tonight Harry was watching me like a hawk. I don't know why I was hiding this from him, I'm sure he'd even want to do it with me.
But I didn't want him to feel how it feels when you don't have it.
Now if I escaped to the bathroom, Harry would hear the sniffles. Could I stage a reason to cry? Our relationship is in such a great place, would crying ruin it?
I know this was all a dream, Harry is perfect. I made him this way. I made him think like a man when he's still a kid.
But hadn't we worked this out?
"Louis are you okay?"
"Yeah hun why?" I look into his beautiful eyes. Am I this lucky?
"You just are being quiet. We can go home if you'd like."
"Vas a dejar que arruine la fiesta?" The bartender looked me up and down. I knew I should learn Spanish but it was so difficult.
"Yeah what she said. I'm fine. I'm just going to smoke outside." I have to fix my attitude quick. This is what I wanted.
"I can come with." Harry starts to get up.
"Harry, please." I didn't know what else to do.
He didn't say anything to me. Just stared at me with wet eyes. I knew if he blinked they'd slip down his cheeks. He turned towards the bar tender and I knew the choice I had to make.
I walked outside of the bar and walked a bit until I found a little dark spot. I took out my phone and placed it on the bench making sure it was level as I pulled my baggie out of my pocket. very gently I poured the fine powder onto my phone in a fairly straight line. I wiggled my nose around and looked around, making sure no one was around. I could hear the soft voices in the bar, wondering if one of the voices was Harry. I looked down at my phone knowing i could just go inside, but without a second thought I brought it up to my nose. It stung, sending sharp pain up my nose to my brain.
I hear a sigh and foot steps but my vision was blurred from the pain.
"You got any left?" I recognized the voice of the bartender.
"Get away from me leech." I snarled back.
"You're boyfriend sent me. Share or I tell him what I saw."
I clenched my teeth together, trying to contain the anger that was building. I took in her features, looking for reasons why Harry liked her so much. She was just like me. A liar.
"Fine. Here." I handed her one of the little baggies from my pocket.
"He left as soon as you did. Closed the tab. Said to tell you he's going back to the room. Good luck fixing this when you can't focus."
She turned on her heel and left me sitting on the bench on a dark street. Not only had I been played, she was right. How could I fix this while high?
I shook my head and decided walking to the hotel would give me some time to figure my plans out.
I convinced myself that Harry would be asleep when I got there. Or maybe it was my brain trying to comfort me.
I could say if I was excited or scared when I found out he was not asleep.
Harry was sat on the couch, watching a movie on the screen. He looked at me as I walked into the door.
"Harry I'm sorry I left you at the bar I needed some air." I gulped and tried to calmly think of excuses.
"Why are you ruining this opportunity?" He asked turning back to his movie. I could tell he was holding back tears. "You have everything you want in front of you and it's not enough for you?"
"What makes you think this isn't enough? I'm so grateful for what I have. For you."
"Then why would you even think to ruin it?"
"How am I ruining this? Because I'm having fun?"
"Fun is with your friends at a party. I've been ignoring it to see if it's fun. But a romantic dinner that you didn't even eat with your partner isn't fun. That's clockwork. What is so wrong that you need a boost?" Harry finally looked at me with tears streaming down his cheeks.
He looked so beautiful but everything he was saying was wrong. Clockwork? I needed a pick me up as the dinner took 2 hours, the bar was another 2 and I was trying to be more fun. It was for him, so I could smile and laugh with him.
I bit my tongue trying not to escalate the situation but it wasn't enough.
"Harry. I'm sorry think of it as a boost. I didn't want to feel tired and boring for you. I was trying to be more interesting."
"As if I haven't been enthralled with you the moment I met you. You don't need a boost. If you're tired we can lay down and cuddle. Are you bored and need it? Because I don't."
Why wouldn't Harry let up? I felt stuck to the ground but my brain wanted me to move. To touch him, kiss him and erase this situation.
"My mum died." I stared at him as his mouth slightly opened. He wanted to speak but seemed like he couldn't find the words. "I found out a week ago. I have to keep working and they denied my leave to see her before she passed. I needed a boost."
Harry lightly nodded and turned back to the tv and I sat next to him.
I felt numb yet energized. The pair was a feeling I was getting used to. I liked feeling anything but sadness.
"But why did you hide this all from me?"
The anger at the pit of my stomach was boiling over. I wanted to slap him. Why would I tell him?
I took a deep breath and tried to think rationally.
"I didn't want to be a burden. Can we just go back to the romantic night? I need a pick me up."
Harry softly agreed and snuggled into me. I watched the movie silently with him and ran my fingers through his hair. Everything in me wanted to pull him up on me and kiss him until I couldn't breathe but I felt eyes looking at me from the balcony. Two dark figures peered in at us but I watched as they lifted their fingers to their lips as a shushing motion.
They can't be real. Harry isn't reacting and he has looked at the glass door multiple times.
Although I felt uneasy, I felt happy with the fact Harry still loved me.
A new mix of emotions I had to get used to.