Everything Blue

L Distant

I shamefully took one more smell of his pillow before returning to my computer. I only had a couple emails to respond to but I really had to practice lines.
Niall and Harry were downstairs watching a movie, it felt good that Harry was doing so well. We haven't spoken since the funeral but I couldn't help spying on his happenings.
He was making phone calls to schools in Spain, in between lines I dabble in Spanish lessons online. I couldn't fully understand anything he was saying but I could pick out words. Niall only comes here, Zayn sometimes, and they don't like it but will miss him. I spoke to Niall last night, Harry was going to cancel the party but I slipped the money as if he was a messenger. I told him I would have nothing to do with any of it.
The email I was looking for dinged in front of me.
Dear Mr. Tomlinson,
I can assure you I would not sell your house for less than half a million. I will have a showing in your absence, I was assured Charlotte would be staying until it is sold. I will add in you in all our communications. Feel free to contact me with any questions.
Sally Johnson
I close my eyes and think about the little packing I had three days to finish. I already had the storage room paid with some things already moved. Harry noticed me leaving and moving stuff but when he tried to speak to me I couldn't respond. None of me was ready to deal with anything other than what was on my plate. Lottie was dropping Harry and I at the airport, then dropping my car at the dealership where we already worked out a deal. The other car is Lottie's payment for house sitting. Everything I don't take, my family is coming and taking their fill. Whatever Lottie wants to sell she can, the rest goes to the buyer.
My focus was shot, I decided to start grouping what I wanted to keep in my office. I ignore Harry's belongings despite the huge urge to touch every item that has touched Harry.
The door opened and I didn't even look to see who it was. I knew it was Harry.
"Sorry I just need a jacket." I listened to his footsteps get closer. "What're you doing?" His voice was right behind me but I kept to my task. I didn't need to keep anything I could afford to replace, only things that mattered to me. "Louis please. I'm trying."
I laughed to myself. Did he really have to do this now? I should be reviewing my lines or packing. So many decisions to be made.
"I'm packing." I grumble back, hoping that was it.
"Packing for? Trying to decorate the loft?"
"Why did you cheat on me?" I ask him and finally turn to him. His beauty made me weak in the knees. I held eye contact for as long as he let me.
When his eyes darted to the ground he began to shuffle around as if it was a loaded question. "Was is because he's taller? Dark hair? His muscles?"
"I left with you didn't I?"
"Because I made you. You would have let that sleaze ball have sex with you. My friends are going out to smoke yeah? Suddenly the room's empty. What we're you going to do? Gamble more of MY money? Oh yeah you were just having a personality bump. News flash you can find yourself without betraying me. Another thing. The stupid stunt he pulled? It only works on dumb sexy bimbos. Notice how quick you fell asleep when you got home? Why were your clothes changed? Why don't you remember throwing up? In a trash can, clean hair, no smell, mint flavor in your mouth." I took a deep breath ignoring how much I was crying. "I give you everything."
Harry stood there silently crying staring back at me.
"I sold the house. When we leave Saturday, we will never come back here. Make sure you take everything you want." I turn back to the items in front of me, suddenly none of them matter. Did I really need all this stuff?
"You don't think it's a bit irrational to go on a whim and decide that?" His voice was shaky but I could feel my anger boiling over.
"You don't think deciding on a random trip home for your boyfriend's mum's funeral is the prime time to cheat on your boyfriend is irrational? You know even on a whim."
"I'm sorry Louis."
"Prove it."
I could tell the words made him uncomfortable but for a person who wants to talk, there's not going on on his end.
"It's always been you. I never have even been with anyone else-"
"Then why did that change?"
"I'm scared okay?"
I finally look back at him noticing the change in his tone.
"Zayn and Niall have new friends, I'm trying to make friends in Spain but all I have is the bakery and you. And you have been a totally different person. I get that you're broken but I can't even talk about myself for more than a minute or it takes away from the Louis Tomlinson show. Day after day I spend pining over you. For so long I do this whole chase Louis until I have his attention. And I will do that chase until I can't anymore. I just want you to always be the Louis who wants me."
"Louis wanted you the day you decided to pick-"
"No. Louis wanted my body. Louis didn't want me."
I watched as he wiped his tears and exited the room, my air leaving with him.
I could understand what was wrong but cheating? If we never kissed again, I would not be his last kiss. I heard that Incel in the kitchen that night before I walked in.
"He's so tiny it'd be easy even if he wasn't give me fuck-me eyes all night. Thanks mate for the drink. Makes it easier to use and dispose. No attachments of course, just college experience."
I would have been heartless to turn around there. Everything in me wanted me to let him make this choice, lock the doors and leave him for good. Part of me waited so he would get up and say never mind. Part of me wanted to see if he'd at any point stop and say that he has someone who needs him. I couldn't stand there and watch, the best part of me knew if I didn't stop it; it wouldn't have stopped.
"Look. Harry messed up and there's nothing wrong with your anger but you can't hold him in limbo. I know the time frame is crunched, but what between you guys hasn't been?" Zayn's voice came from the open door. It's the most I've ever heard him say. "You need to decide if you're going back to Spain a couple or if his mistake was too much you need to leave him here."
"And if I can't make that choice?"
"As if you can't afford a last minute back to Spain. Ignoring it won't make the choice come to you. Talking about it will."
In another world, Zayn would make a great friend.