Everything Blue

LT

Everything seemed blue as I walked to the supermarket. It had been a month since I last saw Harry and I knew it was for the best.
After I got my cart I started shopping around, my gut telling me he was near.
I missed him, I wasn't going to lie, but nearly getting caught showed me how truly wrong what I was doing was. I talked to my manager about it, my only friend at the moment, and he said I did the right thing. Especially with a career like mine.
I look up to see his forest green eyes drilling into mine and I took in how miserable he looked. He was with his mother so I knew he wouldn't come over but oddly that saddened me. I wanted to hear his silky voice.
His hair is getting longer and it looks unbrushed. His clothes were mismatched and he didn't have a headband holding his hair back. He still looked beautiful though.
"Excuse me you're blocking what I need." A little woman squeaks out. I politely move and go the opposite way of where my- well- just Harry was.
I wanted nothing more than to hold him and tell him it'll all be okay.
At check out I realized Harry's mother was loading her stuff onto the belt after me. Harry stared from behind her.
"Oh Louis! I just wanted to thank you for helping my son with footie." Harry's mum exclaims. With a warm smile I respond.
"No problem."
Even though it was. A huge I'm in love with him problem.
"You should come to dinner with my family one night! A thank you and congrats to Harry dinner! Wouldn't that be fun Harry? You always tell me you really like his company!"
I watch as Harry's cheeks go red, I shouldn't enjoy as much as I do.
"Thank you but I shouldn't."
"Mum." Harry warns but she doesn't seem to get the memo.
"Nonsense! Tomorrow night you should be there! Around five works for you?"
"Yes thank you I appreciate it."
Wonderful. I was trying to avoid him.

After everything at the supermarket I was glad to be cleaning up at my house for once. Anything other than that awkward stare Harry gives me. All I want to do is kiss his blushing cheeks.
And make his other cheeks that red
I clenched my eyes shut erasing that thought away. I had to figure out how I would look Harry in the eyes and pretend I don't love him.
After a while of just standing there my phone rings across the room. I know it's Harry in my heart, so I allow it to go to voicemail as I finish cleaning up.
I got to my phone some hours later, tear stained cheeks, I unlock it. I had deleted his contact but his number was planted in my head.
"Hey Lou.." There was a long pause and then a sigh, "I can't live like this anymore. I love you. Every time I feel myself getting better I think about your little things. Like the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh or the way you act so big. I miss your hands and your smell. You're all I think about Louis. I know I ruined it and that no matter what I always will be the cause of our downfall but.." His voice wavers, "Do you miss me? I thought for a moment you noticed me but... I don't know. I just miss you so much that I can barely breathe. And I know you'll be here tomorrow but it'll be as though we never even had a connection. And that's what hurts. It sometimes feels like we never really even happened..." I hear him wipe his face and sniffle, I do so myself. "Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I won't be saying much at dinner. Because all I'll want to say is I love you. I want to tell you until I'm blue in the face. But I can't. I love you Louis Tomlinson. I always will."
Once the voicemail ends I let my phone drop to the floor. My heart followed. I felt like a shell of a man, nothing mattered. The business I built myself, my modeling career and this life; no matter what it would never equate to him.
I sit on the floor where my phone is an pick it up just as a text comes in.
Forever
One word had never meant so much to me. My heart said one thing while my head said another. I was infatuated but I knew it was wrong. I needed him but my life needed to be solitary.
I had been torn this whole time, follow my heart or my head? Never let him go or allow him to live his life?
I find a picture of him and stare into his gorgeous eyes. Why did he have to be so beautiful inside and out? He couldn't just have a terrible personality?
I couldn't even figure myself out, why did my heart have to seek out someone else so complicated?
I walk with wobbly legs to the bed where Harry once laid. Where Harry gave me all of him. Where Harry lost all of me.
I cry harder than I ever have before into the pillow, screaming and clutching my chest. I needed him yet I couldn't have him. I had to forget him but I couldn't.
Tomorrow I have to face him as if nothing was wrong, today I can't even stop crying.