Everything Blue

H Comedown

Louis sat in the bedroom with the light off, I was with him for a while but it was getting suffocating. I had his last baggie in my hand, debating letting him use it to make him feel better.
My brain was near explosion from the internal debate.
He has a migraine and is sweating yet cold; But if he takes more he'll start the come down later.
The light was too bright, the balcony creeps him out, his phone too bright and his shakes wouldn't let him sleep.
The sun was peeking through the windows, a beautiful shade of orange filled the room. The fresh air from the popped window helped bring some strength into me.
I had to help Louis get through this.
Once Louis started to feel sober, he cried about the loss of his mum. I sat and held him for a few hours until he shoved me off and sneaked little comments about being a strong man.
"Strong men don't cry. Strong men especially don't cry to their sissy boyfriend." He had apologized soon after, but it became a cycle. Be hurt, hurt me, apologize.
I still felt as I was not enough for him and that is why he turned to drugs instead of me. But after a phone call to Niall, I understood it was not the time to talk about it with him.
You just got a job, you're adjusting; he probably thinks it's a lot to put on you.
Tomorrow the both of us had work and I couldn't help feeling like he wouldn't be ready tomorrow.
"Harry?" His voice was soft but loud enough for me to hear him.
"Yes?" I wiped my tears before heading into the dark room.
"Can you lay with me?" He lifted the blanket just enough for me to get in. I hesitated, shoving the baggie deep in my pocket. "I'm sorry you even have to deal with this. I promise I haven't done anything like this in a long time and I'm so disappointed in myself."
I slowly slid into the bed next to him, his sweat smell was strong but he seemed dry now. His eyes were closed and he was facing the ceiling.
"I started taking when I was in Uni. I got kicked off the team because I failed a drug test. I didn't decide to quit but they said they wouldn't kick me out of classes if I just said I quit." I watched as some tears fell. "I didn't stop. I kept going until I flunked. My mum let me come back home if I got a job. She found me ODing in her bathroom the first weekend at her place. I never saw her cry the way she did in the hospital room."
I wanted to hold him but I knew he needed to have this moment.
"I quit because I could see she was torn up. I started modeling three days after I got out of the hospital. It kept me busy, I had other stuff to be addicted to. My mum was so proud of me. She told me she never wanted to see my like that ever again. So I didn't. But when I found out she was gone, I knew guys on set were already asking if I wanted to partake. It was supposed to be just at the party. But it made me forget how shattered my heart was. Well, is I guess. I'm not trying to make excuses but I'm trying to make it make sense to you."
I slid my hand into his, it was cold but his grip was firm.
"I love you Louis. I'm not disappointed in you. I want to help you."
"You are helping me. I can't thank you enough for being there. I know I'm so irritable right now. I love you more."

The oven alarm was beeping, letting me know the muffins were done. The shop always looked so beautiful before opening, all the shelves stocked, every surface was spotless and all three of us were full of energy.
After I placed the muffins neatly in the display case I checked my phone.
Just got to the set, head still hurts but ill be okay. eye on the prize my love
My heart seemed to take a sigh of relief. I thought for sure going over with half asleep Louis the rules I had today, he would just ignore me.
"Rule number one, texts every hour from when you wake up to when you get there.
Rule number two, these hour texts will include how you're feeling, and a goal emotion. They don't have to be the same but setting a goal will help you.
Rule number three, you will not take a lunch break with your coworkers. Just a week where you go and call me or one of your sisters. You need to face your feelings or you will keep turning back to feeling numb. If you cry remember to ice your eyes right after even if it's a mask day. Puffy face.
Rule number four, if I am not going to a party; you are not going to a party. You hear me? That's it. If it's highly important and I cannot, I will call Liam and tell him he has to go with you. You will not tell me he's going. I need to confirm that.
Rule number five, Code Blue means theres drugs around you and you feel as you are going to relapse. You send it to Liam and I at the same time. Whoever calls first, pick up. Code White means you don't have drugs but you feel yourself about to buy some. Same thing as code blue.
I'm sorry it'll feel like you're being suffocated but this is for your career. I know it's really rough now. You can't throw away what you have. We will fly back home next weekend for the funeral. I know it's going to feel like not enough time. If you need more we will take more. Your bosses said a week is okay too. Just let me know what you need. I love you."