The One

Chapter Fifteen

OUR relationship was not perfect.

We had fights and arguments from time to time. One minute we're okay, the next minute we are arguing.

I cried a lot. I felt so vulnerable around him. It's really hard to get attached to someone you used to talk to everyday especially when everything went wrong, you'd lose.

Despite having a calm and understanding boyfriend, it won't be enough for someone like me who overthink things that does not exist.

In other words, I always ruin our moment. I remember how I went crazy when we celebrate our first anniversary. I get jealous to the girl he used to like. I was full of sarcasm teasing him with the girl.

When we are not together in most days. Since we are long distance. I overthink a lot. I always wonder what he was doing from an hour or hours that he doesn't have a reply. Often times, I feel so disappointed waiting for him to ask in seeing me.

And it frustrates me when one day, he stopped talking about marriages and family life.

It's suddenly feels like I was not the type of woman he wants to marry. 

Who would want to marry a crazy girl like me?

Not even my own boyfriend, of course.

Noong mga panahon na iyon, naisip ko na nagsesettle nalang siguro ako sa 'less' or iyong sinasabi nila sa social media na 'bare minimum'.

We barely see each other.

We barely talk.

We barely have time to communicate our emotions.

Most of the time, we're just updating about the things we did at the moment. I became pessimist in our relationship. Tipong hindi pa nga nangyayari ang pangit na bagay ay inaakusahan ko na siya no'n.

Things got complicated between us.

Sabi niya pa noon ay malaki na masyado ang lamat ng relasyon namin. Kung tatagal pa kami ay mas lalo lang namin masasaktan ang isa't isa.

Iyong second anniversary celebration namin, masaya naman kami. Panandalian ay kinalimutan namin ang mga issues namin sa relasyon. Subalit kumawala pa rin ang galit ko pagtapos no'n.

He decided to exit from our relationship and gave up on me.

Migs did that. Parang walang pagsisisi.

Buong araw akong umiyak.

Naramdaman ko ang matinding kalungkutan na kahit anong gawin ko ay hindi basta basta mawawala. Hindi mapupunan ng kahit ano ang kalungkutan na iyon hanggang sa lumipas ang ilang buwan. Bumukod ako at umalis sa bahay namin dahil ayaw kong nakikita ako ng magulang ko na kada umuuwi ay nagkukulong sa kuwarto at umiiyak. Ayokong mag-alala sila.

He never reached out to me. He never asked me if I'm okay with his decision. He just turned his back on me just like that.

Kahit ganon ay hindi ako nawalan ng pag-asa. Pesteng hope ito eh! Hindi mawala-wala. Umasa pa rin ako na magrereach out siya sa akin. Gagawa siya ng ibang Facebook account para i-chat ako o kaya iparating kay Conrad ang gusto niyang sabihin.

Sa nakalipas na dalawang taon ay wala ako narinig mula sakaniya ni ha ni ho. Kahit papaano, kahit mabagal ay natanggap ko na wala na siya sa buhay ko. Hindi na siya babalik. He's someone I used to love. Someone I used to adore.

Kung natuturuan lang ang damdamin ay hindi ko na gusto pang maramdaman ito.

Itong nararamdaman ko ngayon na tila gustong magmakaawa na 'wag niya akong sukuan.