Forever Alone // Carl Grimes (The Walking Dead)

Chapter 32

"...She's so undernourished, I don't even know how she's still functioning." An unknown feminine voice sighed.

"She'll be okay.. right?" A voice gruffed, Daryl's.

I'm not one for eavesdropping but I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes and embrace what I had witnessed yesterday as being true.

"She should improve. I can't imagine what she's been through." The woman sighed again.

I willed myself to flutter my eyelids and move. I inhaled deeply and let the oxygen fuel my body. I opened my eyelids to see the boy I longed for staring down at me. My heart ached and broke all over again.
"Get out!" I screamed and backed up until my back was firmly pressed against the wood of the bed.

"Laur-" Carl started but I cut him off.

"GET OUT!" I screamed, my voice becoming horse. Daryl finally dragged him from the room. I felt no remorse when the look of pain flashed across his face. I attempted to calm myself once he left. I bowed my head and sobbed, letting everything that happened the last few days wash over me.

"I'm sorry," I sniffed, wiping away the tears from my face and staring up to the woman who stood before me with sympathy evident on her face. She was really pretty, maybe early twenties with a black lip ring visible on her pink lips. She smiled at me, running a hand through her bright red hair.

"It's okay, I'm Kirsty." She smiled and looked to Daryl for help.

"My best friend got bit yesterday. I had to kill her." I said lowly, bowing my head.

Kirsty frowned and wrapped her arms around me, she knew I needed a hug. Daryl just sat awkwardly in the corner, not exactly sure how to react. Kirsty smiled at him and he smirked.

"Where do I go? I just don't want to talk about what's happened to me yet." I sighed and wiped at my puffy eyes.

Daryl and Kirsty nodded.
"You're in Carol's house. We brought you here after Jo found you outside." She informed.

"Daryl, tell the others I'm okay or something, I need some time alone."

"Carol's outside if you need anything." Daryl mumbelled and wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug before stalking out of the room with Kirsty in tow.

I stood up and drank the glass of water that sat on my desk. Kirsty had left a bowl of watery chicken soup, which I gratefully gulped down. I hate myself. I hate him. If only I could hate him. Why did he do that? Does he love her? Did he forget me? Does he hate me? I sighed and pushed open the white-wooden door that lead into a perfectly intact hallway. The wall was painted an eggshell blue, which was always one of my favoured colours.

I followed the sound of rifling and Carol was bent over a cooker, baking what smelled like cookies. A small smile graced my face and I took in the long forgotten smell.

"I never thought I'd smell cookies again." I mumbelled and Carol turned herself to face me. She frowned when she took in my state.

"They're for you. You need some sugar in you." She smiled weakly.

I nodded and sat down on one of the wooden dining chairs at an ornate dark wooden table. Carol left a couple of cookies on the table and sat down across from me.

"Tell me what happened." She said sternly and I sighed.

"I almost died after Terminus, I woke up in a house. My best friend, Chelsie had saved me, she didn't die like I thought. We fought to survive for months. Yesterday, she got bit while looking through a gas station, I had to.. kill her. Then I ran, and found myself here. I snuck up to the gate and saw Carl, and a girl. I gave up. Months of running, searching for him. I let go."

Carol frowned and I looked down to the hands on my lap. She sighed and ran a hand through her clean, grey hair.
"He had a rough few months. You should talk to him.. he never forgot you."

I sat up abruptly and sent the chair hurtling back at the wall.
"He didn't loose everything. He didn't search for months. He let me go for some tramp. I need to be alone."

I stormed out of the kitchen and back into my room. I cried out and lay on the comfortable bed. Why did I have to care so much? Why did I get so emotionally invested? I'm never going to do it again. I'm finished. I lay on that bed in complete silence until a small knock on the door broke me from my thoughts.

"Lauren?" That voice. That voice I wished for months to hear, to have beside me. The memories haunting me. I balled up my fists and didn't turn around, I just lay there, refusing to acknowledge his existance.

"Carol let me in.. she told me about you seeing me yesterday,"

I inhaled deeply, my heart felt like it was being squeezed.

"She dosen't mean anything to me. I swear. I- I love you, okay? I never forgot about you. I don't love her, Lauren."

I rolled off the bed and stood up, looking him square in the eyes. Carl scanned my skinny form and his eyes widened. I glared at him, filled with pure and raw hatred.
"You didn't have to kiss her? Did you? You made me promise to search for you! And you couldn't even keep that promise! You're worthless. I had to kill my best friend yesterday. She died helping me look for you."

Carl looked dead, his face was solemn, filled with guilt.
"I-"

I cut him off.
"Months! Months I spend searching for you! You didn't care. Did you? You broke me. I'm done. Finished. I've given up. I'm better off dead."

Tears were running down my cheeks now, but I ignored it. This hatred was rational.
"And take this with you," I pulled the golden ring off my finger and threw it at him.
"You worthless piece of shit."

"Did you stop to think about the people who loved you before you ran off to save the day? That note you gave me, I still have it, right here!" Carl yelled, pulling the crumpled slip of paper from his pocket.
"If I didn't care. I'd have left that long ago! I understand that you hate me. But at least know that I still fucking love you."

I refused to look at him.
"Just get out, Carl."

I let him walk out the door. I'm finished. I'm done fighting for something that dosen't exist. I don't care anymore. What's the point in fighting if I have nothing left to fight for? I let myself get sucked into the void of memories, using them as my sweet escape from this hate-filled present.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe