Forever Alone // Carl Grimes (The Walking Dead)

Epilogue

Carl,

You are so close to me right now, just a few feet away. You're asleep, and you look so peaceful, so happy and contented while I make the biggest decision of my life, not even sure what I'm doing, and it's probably going to break you. But I can't help remember when you first kissed me, in the middle of a forest, neither of us knowing what we were doing or where we were going. Yet I had you and I didn't need anything else. That was my best day, not needing to know where I was going or what was going to happen next. What I am about to do means we won't get many more of those days, making my decision so much harder. I'm doing this for us, please understand that.

I have to break our promise.

When I was locked up in that basement, I was told that you were captured too. I didn't believe it, but there was a part of me that believed that it could be true, and your life was at risk because of me.

Then there was when I heard a commotion outside. I later found out it was from when they found Rick's group but it didn't kill me any less because I imagined you. I imagined you lying dead on the ground, dead because of me, dead because you cared for me too much. In that moment I hated myself, I hated myself for loving you and I hated myself even more because you fell in love with me.

This isn't easy for me. I can't just wake up without your arm wrapped around my waist and not feel anything. I'm going to miss your smile, your laugh and your spirit. You taught me how to smile again, how to laugh, how to be happy. You freed me from myself and I love you infinitely for that. I know I'm going to sound so stupid but I'm going to miss putting that goddamn hat on your head every morning. I need a little piece of you to carry with me, so if I can't put that damn hat on your head then noone can. It'll be my lifeline.

I'm like a grenade, Carl. I'll explode one day and I'll take everything and everyone down with me. I cause trouble, hell, I am trouble, and I don't want you to fall because of my temper or my stupid need to put myself as risk to save everyone else. Instead of saving them, I kill them, because they don't want me to fall, and they follow me into the depths of Hell just to see me live another day.
I don't want that for you.

I don't want you to die for me. I don't want that on my shoulders and I know it's selfish and cruel to do this but it's for the better. I am doing this because I am so deeply in love with you and I am not going to watch you die for me.

By the time you read this, I'll be gone. I'm not leaving you forever, this isn't a goodbye. It's never going to be a goodbye.

Our story isn't over yet.
It's just forever unfinished.

Yours forever,

Lauren

~•~

Now you can hate me XD