Deep end |ENG|

• 4 · party

The next month passed by rather quickly and the night of the party came.

I dressed up, feeling extremely good in my clothes and left my house, texting Seungmin that if I wasn't responding, he shouldn't be worried because I would probably stay offline the whole night. I even sent him a photo of my outfit but he would barely respond to it, sending one emoji, not saying I looked good or anything as he would often do when I sent him my photo.

Maybe it's just me thinking I look good in this.

I got there and Beomgyu hugged me right after seeing me. "I'm so happy you actually arrived!"

"And I'm happy you invited me!" I responded, feeling a bit awkward as I didn't really see anyone familiar around - yet.

Slowly I found out I knew pretty a lot of people in there and if not, they'd start talking to me. Sitting on your own at a party turns out being actually a good way of getting to know new people.

However, I spent the first hour or so talking to that one girl who lives in the same village as me. We were walking around, talking, drinking and then a mention of weed came.

"You ever smoked weed before?"

"No... I shouldn't really be doing that... You know, we have some mental illnesses in our family, so... yeah..."

"One drag won't kill you though, right?"

"I mean... No, it won't."

I tried to run away from it though.

"Hyunjin!" She hugged my shoulders as I was just talking to those two new guys - perks of being a social butterfly. "You fucker, you promised me to get the weed with me! Come." She was tipsy and a pretty stoned already.

She pulled me out and I dragged a few times. And... I know I shouldn't be saying it but it didn't taste bad. And I didn't even feel anything after that. I was watching after myself but nothing weird happened. No change in vision, hearing nor anything else. I felt okay. Nothing like my mom was saying to scare me off.

Throughout the night, a lot jas happened. I ended up sitting in a circle with more new people, sending vapes and weed around, talking, laughing, having fun,... I got friendly with people, inviting everyone to get a shot with me and maybe I even wasted my two classmates that way.

After four or five hours and fresh few drags of marijuana, Jongho, an extremely nice classmate of mine, appeared next to me. We started walking around the building and I told him stuff about Minho and Changbin, being honest about why I was trying to get on better terms with the rest of the class. He asked me about it first and finally, I felt like someone cared. And so a lot of stuff just started flowing out of my mouth and I didn't even care anymore.

"Damn, you're really cool for standing them that whole time," he said, watching me with pure appreciation in his eyes.

Another classmate, Seonghwa, joined us. We walked and talked some more and after me and Jongho realised we were doing that for over an hour, we went back inside to get warmer again.

I then got closer with some other people, drinking and vaping a bit more, dancing and singing, talking and just... I was having fun like everybody else my age should.

No Minho, no Changbin, no Seungmin,... No one to tie me up, no one to hold me back.

When the time of the very first morning bus arriving got close, I walked up to Beomgyu, wrapping my arms around him. He hugged me back, obviously being out of it already. "I'm leaving!" I shouted over the loud music playing from the speakers right next to us.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I should get going, man. You have to invite me to some other event though! This is amazing, dude! I've never had this much fun!"

"Yeah, sure!"

I bit goodbye to... almost everybody in there and left for the bus.

I got home very early in the morning but my mom was just going to sleep. Trying to be as silent as possible, I got to bed and fell asleep, happy that I got to finally enjoy myself without anyone dragging me away from all the stuff I found fun and nice.

That night, I truly felt alive.

Honestly throughout my life...

Deep inside I never felt alive.

· · ·

I don't really like the way I'm writing this but it'll get better soon so yeah, please try to push through with me. I swear, my writing is actually much better, I just don't feel the need to talk about everything in detail ^^"

Btw the outfit Hyunjin is wearing on the picture is something I'd have worn if I were a boy and if I wanted my clothes to be similar to what I wore to that party so yeah, a quick, unimportant info about why I chose that photo haha