Why am I the star?//tsukasa angst//[DISCONTINUED]

All Alone

TW: Drugs (not explicitly mentioned)
kinda long chapter so gl I guess also explanation at bottom if u don't get it so dw

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Tsukasa POV:

When I woke up, it took me a moment to realize what had happened. Approximately 10 seconds later, I slapped my forehead and let out a groan of self-disappointment.
Great job Tsukasa, now your friends think you hate them.
I checked the clock, but my vision was blurry. Oh well. I'm starting to not care about anything now anyways. At least it was Saturday.
Or Sunday....
I sighed. Back to this again, not being able to remember a single thing.

I tried to step out of my bed, and my whole body ached with pain. Time to survive another day...

I took out my earphones and walked out the front door. It was still dark out, unfortunately.

I went on my phone and clicked on a random song, called "The Disappearance of Hatsune Miku". For the first time I let out a small chuckle, my mind wandering to the face of the cheerful and ignorant face of the Hatsune Miku I knew.

I continued mindlessly walking out into the dark, taking random turns and twists while the song played in the background.

"Long ago, I had loved to sing," the song started. I found myself subconsciously humming to the melody of the song, though I paid no attention to the actual lyrics. I just kept on walking.

"But now, when I do, I don't feel a thing."

No one was in sight. I was all alone.

I kept walking.

"Where, oh where, did my happiness go?"

I turned into a random alleyway. It looked unknown, but I kept walking, mindlessly into the night.

"I don't know—I don't know, don't know anymore."

I saw a store with the lights on. A felt a surge of sad hope. Finally, finally someone was out there. Someone could see me. Someone, anyone, was there.

"Everything that I believed in turned out to be such a stupid fantasy,"

I hurried to the store, desperate for at least one person to look at me and not think about how much of an annoying brat I am.

"A reflection of how I wanted things to be"

I walked in the store and looked around. An old, sad lady was at the counter.

"Screaming out in pain, might as well rip out my throat"

The next thing I knew, I told her everything. I don't know why. I had to get it out. I feel bad, I'm just selfish and I made the last be burdened with my problems too along with her own. I'm so slow and mean.

"I can't abandon the fantasy that I know"

I walked out of the shop, a plastic bag in my hands.

The lady said that it would help. She said she could help me.

"You need help. More help than I can offer." She told me as I covered my face with my hands and leaned on the counter she was working at.
"At least take this." As she handed me the bag. She warned me about something. But I couldn't remember.

Again.

"Everything you see about me is only show"

I walked home, which felt like it was taking eternity. Every turn I made seems unfamiliar, and I knew there was still a long way to go.

The plastic bag rustled in my hand.

"I'm just a kid, I don't know what you want from me"

I took a final turn and sighed in relief as I saw a familiar house pass by. The slightest glimmer of light shines in the distance.

"What can I do now as I look at your face?"

The door creaked open as I entered a house of silence.
The sound of my footsteps echoed in the empty house as I slowly made my way up the stairs, step by step.

"So full of happiness and yet so full of pain"

I opened the door to my room and crashed onto the floor. The contents of the bag spilled out. My vision became blurry again.

Why was I crying?

"Slowly but surely I feel my world caving in"

I'm weak.

"Guess this is what they call the recycling bin"

I'm so, so, weak. I hate it.

"One by one after another my memories start to delete,"

The feeling of being powerless, the realization that people only talk to you when they need you. The realization that you're just another mouth to feed.

"They'll never take away my memories of you"

I look at the small bottle that spilled out of the bag.

Maybe....

Just maybe...

"Desperately, praying for some kind of miracle"

I snatched the bottle, my vision still blurry, and opened it.

"No one listens, I'm all alone"

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I WAS ON A RAMPAGE WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS HOLY-
anyways some confusing stuff I WILL EXPLAIN

So all of the random quotes with italics/bold are lyrics from the song credits to Hatsune Miku and her song "The Disappearance of Hatsune Miku" which was the song playing in the chapter. I thought the song kinda related to Tsukasa here so I put it in

The shop Tsukasa walked into was actually some type of drug store and he bought pills from the old lady
What type of drugs you ask??? Heh heh heh you better find out soon NEXT CHAPTER 😈

HUGE CREDITS to the book "No Longer Human" by Osamu Dazai, this chapter was based off a scene in that book. Osamu Dazai is also a character in the anime "Bungou Stray Dogs", which I highly recommend!
Anyways this chapter was really long and I didn't really grammar check it so Srry if it doesn't make that much sense
Also near the beginning, Tsukasa says it was dark out unfortunately, if you didn't get that it meant that it was still early on the morning and he hadn't slept much.
There's a lot of other references in this chapter but idc some of y'all will prob figure it out

Anyways my ideas burnt out but dw I got THE MOTIVATION
Tell me if there's more confusing stuff btw I'll try to answer them