Why am I the star?//tsukasa angst//[DISCONTINUED]

The 5 Stages of Grief

Tsukasa POV:

I remembered something I said earlier.

"Everybody hates me."

But now I'm wondering what I meant by that.

Did I mean, "My life is so sad, my mom hates me, my dad hates me, my sister hates me, my friends hate me, my dog hates me, my dog had a dog and that dog hates me, I bought a cat from the shelter and it would rather live in poverty than be with me." Kind of hate?

Or did I rather mean "I hate myself?"

I question a lot of things now. About society, about life, about me.

Is life a tragedy or a comedy? What does society define? Who am I? Not me at school, not me with friends, not me with strangers. Just me.

And as I sit on my bed, staring at the ceiling while trying to figure out why I was in the hospital, I try to answer those questions.

Well, obviously life is a comedy. No question about that.

But I want to extend that question. What is life? No, more as, what is living?

Is there really any value to this thing we call living?

If I were to ask, "what is living?" To anyone, how will they respond?
Personally, I would respond with, "Living is either a gift or a burden. It just depends on how you shape it.

How does that work?

I laugh at my own thoughts. How do I shape it? I don't even have control of my own actions! Of my own feelings! Of my own life!

So shaping my life can't be the answer.

This is so silly. I don't want to think about the past, the future, even the present. But I can't just do anything I want. Now that just shows how little control we have over life.

Maybe the answer is society. Society can make your life a gift or burden.

Then, what defines society? A person? An idea? I world?

So many thoughts, so little answers.

And I'm just sitting on my bed. Waiting for someone to come into my house and see me. Out of the hospital. Waiting for consequences. Waiting for something, just something, to happen.

—10:00PM—-

I want to sleep, but I can't. It's like my eyes physically can't shut.

I faintly remember something.

"The 5 stages of grief."

Denial.
Was I in denial? Ha, no. I'm already well aware that the world would be better off without me. But just the word "dying " is warped, and I'm stuck in a confusing cycle of what's right and what's wrong because of it.

Then comes anger.
Clearly not. I laugh like a madman as a small portion of my memory comes back. Me punching the wall of the wonderstage, an inch away from death before Rui found me. Oh, how pathetic I was. Not that I'm any better now.

3. Bargaining.

A single word comes to mind.

"Morphine."

I hear my own breath get heavy. Morphine. What is it? I'm this close to remembering.

I glance at a bottle on the floor I somehow overlooked.

Morphine.

What did I do? Why? What's going on? What is Morphine? Why was I in the hospital? It's all connected. How? Why don't I know anything?!

It was like I had all the puzzle pieces. I just couldn't figure out the puzzle itself.

4. Depression.

"Stop it...." I whisper. The bottle is in my hand now, shaking. I hated myself.

I couldn't get anything right.
I'm alone.
I'm an idiot.
Everyone hates me.
I hate myself.
Everyone hates me.
I hate myself.

"SHUT UP." There I go.
Yelling at myself again.
Because I have no one else to yell at.
Because I can't control myself.
Because I'm just a useless, angry kid that's only another mouth to feed.

5. Acceptance.

Acceptance? What acceptance? That shouldn't even be in the 5 stages of grief. It should just end in depression. Because no one actually gets better. Everyone is fake. They don't accept anything, they just act like it's not there at all.

Everyone lies.
Everyone's just fake.

I just want to pause everything.

"5. Revenge."

———-

Uh so I posted like 3 times in one day so ye I'll post tomorrow again ig
But I have no inspiration
Whatever it's fineeee I'll come up with something while I sleep
K bye