Breaking

This Is Not a Fairytale

Once upon a time

There was a girl.

Do you know how it feels to hate yourself?

She questioned?

I don't mean disappointment

Regretting an answer choice on a test

I'm talking about looking at yourself in the mirror

only to be disgusted at the reflection

Asking yourself

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

Looking down at your skin

appalled at the tally marks forever etched there

I despise the romanticizing of mental illness

It's not cute to cry until you're hysterical

Until your stomach is heaving and your chest hurts

Until mucous and tears mix together into a waterfall

as you sound like a dying animal

screeching and clawing at your chest

breathless and choking in a fetal position

Wouldn't you think I'm the girl?

The girl who has everything

Self-harm is not beautiful

These marks are permanent

taunting you with it's pallor

Begging for companions until you're ready to do anything to feel

To feel the cool metal slide across your skin

As effortless as a knife slicing a pat of butter

Craving the fire in your veins

Aching for the ruby red liquid inside to see the world

Just to be able to feel....something

Showering away the guilt and regret

Knowing that this wasn't a solution,

only another problem to deal with

Mesmerized by your work

Obsessively counting and recounting

They never fade completely

They'll only ever be a reminder

Of when you were weak

of when you failed yourself and those who care

Add that to your romance

Explain the amount of pain that ensues

Talk about how long the scars last

not just the physical ones

It isn't adorable to feel vulnerable

It isn't sweet to get so stressed

you see the room spinning

and it becomes increasingly harder to breathe

Everything becomes a difficulty

There is no fairy tale prince to save you

Conceal

Don't feel

Your savior is yourself

Only you can bring yourself back to life

It will be the only force that drags you back into the abyss

That loneliness you feel when they're unavailable

Yet you can't bring yourself to ask

Being pathetic is not in your agenda

You already feel like shit

Someone else's pity will only send you over the edge

Don't pretend to be what you're not

You don't want these demons

They're ugly and suffocating

Not beautiful and misunderstood