Breaking

Manage

I don't know how I'm managing

Making it work

the head aches are stronger and more frequent

voices louder

but begging for my survival

instead of screaming for my downfall

so why can't i manage to give them that?

because i'm afraid

i know i'm falling apart at the seams

and no amount of thread, glue, or adhesive

is going to keep me together

after my unraveling

I try so hard to be okay

so i overcompensate and micromanage

attend to each and every detail of my makeup

ensuring that there is no blemish to be seen

but you can't fix the cracks on the wall with a new coat of paint

you have to start with the foundation and fill it in there

otherwise the cracks just get bigger

until there's nothing left.

That's what's going to happen to me.

i toss on a smile and pretending i'm not breaking inside

If i continue on in this manner

I'm going to shatter in a beautiful array

of tears, words i should have spoken and cries of pain

my apologies to those caught in the crossfire

I assure you, it was unintentional 

But in the end i think i exhausted myself 

and can only apologize for not being strong enough

The idea of a disappearance is tantalizing enough to give it a spin

But I haven't reached the point of no return just yet

Though at this speed, it's not too far ahead

But for the moment I'm managing

It's what I was taught to do

I have to manage for the others that are hurt

I must be their rock when they need it

My pain is inconsequential in comparison  

Their happiness is all that matters to me,

Then I can worry about my own.

It isn't the healthiest practice

But it's the only one that I know

It's how I manage

It's what makes sense

I'm tired 

But it's all I know 

I'm in pain

But they're more important

I love them

They're my life

And without them I wouldn't be able to manage

So I keep them happy

I make sure they're okay 

Because when they're okay I know i can take a breath

I know that I can be just a little stronger

If i know it's for their sake. 

Their love

is how i manage

I can manage all of my stress, pain, and sorrow

If i know they're there for me to protect

It is the only thing that I'm completely sure 

I know how to do correctly

So i push on

i make light of the situation

i put on another coat of paint 

and i take in a large breath

Because i have to manage everything that's going on in my head

Not for me

But for those that I love most in the world.