Breaking

What's Wrong With Me?

How do you stop yourself from crying when you don't even know what you're crying for?

 You've been genuinely happy, got yourself a boyfriend you have friends that you poured your heart to, so what the hell is your problem? Are you that selfish? No, he can't talk to you right now, he has work and so do you. Did you seriously get yourself that worked up because you don't have anyone to talk to? 

But it's not just him, is it? You feel alone and you're scared the darkness is going to swallow you up again and you're going to be lying in the dark with your arm pulsing because you sketched more tally marks than you can count and the sheets are soaked and you don't know what to do, you just want to sleep and drown out the noise. You can't go back there, you clawed your way out and you have the scars to prove it, i won't let you go back to the long sleeved shirts and hoodies in 80 degree weather, struggling to breathe through the heatstroke that you're bound to have. 

But how do you lose the urge? You can't keep bottling up your feelings, eventually you're going to implode. Then what? When will it be over? When they announce your death along with the morning announcements? When they cremate your body and your remains are stored in an urn? Are you really ready to put your family through planning your funeral? Why are you so fucking selfish?

Suck it up. You do this to yourself. Get the fuck over it and move on. You let it happen, there's nothing left to do about it but fucking live and you're not living if you're in your room crying over someone who probably won't even think about you after he graduates. Get over it. Stop playing your violin and trying to be a victim. No one fucking cares.