You are my home

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Valerie

The first months here at school are going well for me. It's going much better than I expected anyway. Of course I miss not having Rose with me all day, but I also really enjoy having a different rhythm. It is also nice not to have a two-year-old as a conversation partner all day long. Anne usually visits on Monday and Wednesday evening. We immediately picked up our friendship where it left off. Those evenings we work while enjoying a glass of wine. I then get amazingly more work done than if I do it sitting alone. Maybe it also helps that those evenings Sander is busy with Rose and I don't have that in between. But I think especially Melissa and Emma are a big reason I feel really good at the moment. They are actually with me almost every Friday night. Perhaps the best thing about it is that Melissa usually cuddles up to me when we're watching a movie. It's just automatic. We start the film sitting away from each other, but within ten minutes we are lying in each other's arms on the couch without saying anything. Most of the time, Melissa sleeps on the couch for the night. Sometimes Emma also sleeps over, but I don't think Melissa can handle that very well. Emma is really awake when she opens her eyes. Which is the opposite of Melissa. She really needs a while to wake up, so that sometimes clashes between the two.

In just a few months, the three of us have already built up a pretty close friendship. I just have to be really careful that my feelings don't get the upper hand. Since I feel more than a friendship for Melissa, but I can never admit to that for several reasons. Fortunately, I am already very grateful for this friendship and I am also satisfied with that. I haven't heard any stories about Melissa lately that she is doing things with girls, that does me good. I'm also glad that Melissa and Emma don't treat me differently at school than other teachers. Since I have had them in class for an hour a week for two weeks now. I have to fill in for their class until the end of the school year, another month or two.

I'm on my way to that hour now. I am a little later so the students are already in the classroom when I enter. The first thing I notice is that Melissa is sitting alone in the back of the class with a grumpy face. Emma is sitting on the other side of the room next to one of her other friends. Normally, Melissa and Emma are inseparable. I'm just starting the lesson. I am happy when I can finally get the students to work independently. Everyone goes straight to work, except Melissa. She rests her chin on her palm and stares outside. As soon as everyone is quietly busy, I first walk to Emma. I put my hand on her shoulder and bend over so I can whisper in her ear. "Are you and Mel arguing?". She shakes her head. "She wants to be alone". I give her an understanding nod and continue across the classroom. "Lis what is it?". I whisper softly to Melissa as I sit down on the chair next to her. I think she appreciates my calling her Lis. The first time I said it, a beautiful smile came on her face. "I'm not having my day". Comes out soft and a bit broken. I put my hand on her knee and gently rub it with my thumb. "Do you want to talk about it?". She shakes her head. " Okay. Would you please take a look at your book for me and hand me a pen?" She looks at me questioningly and finally hands me a pen. I can feel her pain again when she looks at me. "Just pretend I'm explaining something to you. Okay?". She gives me a small nod and looks at her book. I slide her workbook a little closer to me and start doing the problems I've assigned the class. At least she won't have to worry about her homework. I know her biology grade averages above an eight, so I'm not too worried that she won't get it if she doesn't make it herself. Meanwhile, I keep rubbing her knee gently. " Thank you". she says softly as soon as I'm done. I look at her with a small smile. " Your welcome. Will you stay here during the lunch break?". She nods. I take a quick look around the class to see if everyone is focused on their own work. Then I turn my face back to her. I give her a quick kiss on the forehead and stand up.

As soon as class is over I see Emma walking over to Melissa. They are talking to each other for a while, or well, it seems that mainly Emma is talking. "Just leave me". Melissa yells at Emma. Which scares me a bit. I've never heard Melissa raise her voice. "Just tell Valerie. Maybe you can talk to her about it." Melissa stands up angrily. I see the tears in her eyes. "Yes, because it is really something you just tell". I think it's time to intervene. I walk over to them. "Girls what's going on?". I ask as soon as I wrap my arms around Melissa. Immediately she grabs me tightly and lets her tears flow freely. If nothing is said, I look questioningly at Emma. "I'm done. Mel, please talk to her". She says with a sigh. I give her a little nod that it's okay for her to go.

As soon as Emma is out of the room and has closed the door behind her, I grab Melissa's face with both hands. "Lis what's going on?". I ask softly as I gently wipe away her tears. She pulls away from me and sits down on a table and stares outside. I sit next to her and gently rub her back and patiently wait for her to say something.

"Today is my mother's birthday". Comes to her after a few minutes in an almost whisper. "Is that why you don't have your day?". I ask gently. I've tried many times to start a conversation about her parents because I feel that's where her pain comes from, but she never wants to talk about it. That's why I left it and told her that she can always come to me if she wants to talk about it. "You have to promise me something, Val". she says when she has turned her head and looks at me. I give her a nod. "Don't tell anyone what I'm going to tell you and don't interfere. If you do, I never want anything to do with you again. I do it my own way". I've never seen her so fierce before. "I promise, Melissa". She sighs and stares back outside. "My parents left me alone almost a year ago". When she says that, she breaks. I get up and stand in front of her and wrap my arms around her tightly. "Shhh it's all right. I am here for you".

We stood in silence for minutes. I've been mostly busy processing what she just said to me. "Do you want to tell me what happened?". I ask softly when Melissa pulls away from me and looks at me. She nods uncertainly. "If you're not ready, you really don't have to." She sighs. "I want to say something about it, but I don't want to go into it further." I give her a nod. "A few weeks after they caught me being pretty intimate with a girl, I came home to an empty house. There was a note that they had left and that I had to leave the house in a few days. They just left like that. I couldn't say goodbye to Fenna. I don't even know how she feels about me now because they wouldn't let her talk to me anymore". After she says that, more tears come again. I hug her again in a tight hug. I can't imagine how much that must hurt. "Can I do something for you?". She shrugs and wipes away her tears. I sit across from her on a table. "You already help me by letting me sleep on your couch regularly". Looks a bit unsure. " You know you can sleep over as often as you want. Need any other help?" She looks at me with a small smile. "You're not even going to lecture me about how I'm not old enough to live on my own?" I shake my head and get up. I sit next to her and put an arm around her. "Yes, I want to talk to you about it, but I don't think now is the right time. Looks like you've managed to fend for yourself over the past year and I also know you can take care of yourself. I would just like to hear if I can do something for you". Melissa crawls closer to me. " Thank you". comes out broken with her. I give her a kiss on the head and then let go of her a bit. So I can look at her again. "Is there anything you really need right now or is there anything I can do for you?". I see an uncertain look in Melissa's eyes. "The only thing I really need at the moment is work". I think for a moment. "I think I heard my mother talk about it recently that she was still looking for a cleaner for school. I can inform you if you want". A small smile appears on Melissa's face. "Do you really want to do that?". I nod. "Of course, Lis". Melissa gets up to give me a hug. "Thank you, Val". I kiss her on the head. "But you have to promise me one thing." She looks at me questioningly. "You don't go to work on Friday evening". I say with a wink. What Melissa can laugh about. "So you're not getting bored yet that Emma and I come every Friday?". I shake my head. "I look forward to it all week". Melissa gets a smile on her face and grabs me a little tighter again. " Me too". she says very softly. Unfortunately, not much later the bell rings.