Just a Little Longer

Chapter One: The End

"I don't wanna be me anymore"
- The Gold, Manchester Orchestra & Phoebe Bridgers

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HAYDEN 

Just a little longer.

It was a phrase I used often to get me through the day.

Though this one signaled an end to everything.

The building I was heading to came into view.

Nobody ever goes into this building. Since I've found it I've spent most of my time there, usually on the roof since I moved here a few months ago.

When I reached the building I made my way in through the door with the broken lock. I immediately started climbing the stairs making sure to skip over the steps that were broken.

When I made it to the roof I walked towards the ledge and stopped just before it.

I stared blankly at the beautiful view that laid before me. You could see the sunset and rise and when it was dark out, like now, the moon and stars looked beautiful.

She would've loved this place. She loved the stars.

But she's gone now and I've felt so alone since then.

And I've never been a stranger to loneliness but at least she made me feel seen at times. Now I feel nothing but alone and invisible.

I often wish I was the one who died in that accident.

It would've been easier for everyone, I was never really noticed anyways.

She was the one people noticed.

She was the one people wanted to see.

She was the one people wanted to talk to.

She was always the preferred twin.

If she was here instead of me everyone would be happier.

My parents won't talk to me.

They won't even look at me.

But I get it... I can't even look at myself.

If I could escape myself if only for a moment I would but I couldn't. I was stuck with myself until I died.

And I guess that's how I found myself now standing on this ledge, slowly inching towards the edge.

I wondered what would happen to me when I died.

I had this thought that when you die you're reborn as someone new in a new family in a new place with no memory of your past life and you get to try this life thing again.

If that's true I wonder how many lives I've lived before.

And I wondered if it would always end the same with me ending it all because I was unhappy with myself, with my life.

Or would it be different. Would I love myself in another lifetime? Would I be genuinely happy?

I wished for the second option though I couldn't imagine that being true with the hate I felt for myself.