Bitter (wlw) (txs)

twenty-four

I wished I could have stayed at Vic's house for lunch, since her parents had offered, but I knew my parents had already organized a big lunch and were waiting for me at home.

And I obviously had to skip or change many details while answering their questions about where I'd been the previous evening. They seemed pretty satisfied with what I'd said, though.

I didn't feel particularly tired, but I supposedly looked tired since they miraculously allowed me to go back to my room soon after the meal was over. "Quality family time" was usually a big deal.

I threw myself on my bed and grabbed my phone, thinking that if I hadn't texted Sam then I probably never would have.

I hadn't been as worried as I was when I'd first left New York thanks to the numerous distractions from it I'd had in the past few days, but as soon as I thought about what Sam could have been doing in a specific moment it'd all come back.

you : heyy, sorry for not replying. had a really late night, lol
you: the videos are beautiful, wish i was there with you to see that :')
you : also, i need to talk about something as soon as you have some time

I threw my phone on the opposite side of the bed and covered my head with my pillow as soon as I sent the last message, not expecting to hear a text notification so soon after.

sam<3 : Don't worry, love. How are you? How was your day?
sam<3 : I have some time alone now if you want, my sister's out. Is there something I should be concerned about?

you : i'm good, my day was quite tiring but fine :) and yeah, right now would be great

My hands started to shake as I typed. I really wasn't used to talking about my own feelings to someone that wasn't Vic. Or my therapist.

Sam soon after called me, and I hesitantly picked up.

"Hi!" she said as her face appeared on the screen, her blue eyes looking brighter than usual in the light she was in.

"Hey. How's it going?" I asked, hiding the nervousness. "Also, your eyes look really pretty" I added, smiling.

"Thank you for the compliment" she chuckled. "I'm good, but you've kind of made me worried now"

"Sorry, I really didn't mean to. I just... a certain thought has been bothering me ever since I left New York and I..." I attempted to say as I felt a knot forming in my throat. I nervously started to play with the edge of my bedsheets between my fingers.

"What is it?" Sam asked. "Just breathe, I'm not in a rush" she added, most likely sensing my discomfort.

"It's just that I know everything's been going well and our first month anniversary is coming up in a few days, so I hate to be the person who ruins everything"

"Ellie. I'm sure that whatever you have to say isn't gonna ruin everything. Unless you're breaking up with me"

"No! No, I'm not...breaking up with you" I hated to even say that aloud.

"Then I'm sure it's not going to ruin everything" she reassured me.

"Ok then, uhm, I think...I think you remember what happened after Thanksgiving, you know...you-"

"Yeah" she cut me off before I could add anything else, her expression getting more serious.

"And also the conversation we had a few days later. I think I underestimated my overthinking capacities, you could say" my voice started to feel shaky. "Ever since I left for the holidays I've had this thought about the same thing happening when I was away from you. And I know you'd never do that to me, because I trust you, I really do. But it's as if deep down I have this voice in my head that keeps telling me, well, that you'd find someone better as soon as I was away. I know how horrible this sounds, and I'm sorry to even have to say it, but...I felt like I needed to" my eyes felt watery as I said that last sentence.