Bitter (wlw) (txs)

seventy-nine

I'd been in bed for three days, feeling too worn out to do anything if not sleep and cry. I'd only got up to go to the bathroom and to grab the minimum amount of food to keep me alive from the kitchen. My parents hadn't once checked up on me, not even asking how I was if I happened to see them somewhere in the house.

But it was probably better that way, the last thing I wanted was to get into another argument. So I just ignored them back.

Just like I ignored both the fact that I eventually was going to have to go back to New York, and whoever had tried to contact me in the past days.

It honestly all felt pointless to me, I didn't even want to go back to the city just to not have anywhere to live if not somewhere I could barely afford if I worked everyday, and to feel completely alone there. Anything related to the place reminded me of Sam, especially the university campus where I was going to have to go to if I didn't want to fuck up the only good thing I'd managed to do in my life. But I really didn't want to be reminded of her.

I obviously still loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone, but I didn't want her to suffer because of me. I really didn't.

I was probably better off alone for my whole life, and I just needed to accept that.

My phone screen lit up for something like the tenth time that day, and it'd been the same the two previous days. But I didn't even want to check who was texting or calling me, because hearing from Sam would have just made me feel worse, and I just couldn't be bothered to hear from Vic or Mei.

But I figured that I might be missing something important if I kept ignoring my notifications. Even though nothing really seemed important enough to me at that moment.

Among the few texts and calls I'd gotten, a few stood out.

sam<3 [3 days ago] : Please don't do this
[3 days ago] 1 missed call from sam<3

Which were the last notifications from Sam I had.

vic<3 [2 days ago]: hi el how are you
vic<3 [2 days ago]: haven't heard from you in a while, how was england? we should call to catch up, i have some stuff to tell you too :)

vic<3 [yesterday]: everything okay?
[yesterday] 1 missed call from vic<3

vic<3[10:16am]: ellie :/ i'm getting worried
vic<3[1:34pm]: are you okay?
[2:01pm] 1 missed call from vic<3

you[6:24pm]: hi vic, sorry if i ignored you
you[6:24pm]: i'm not really okay

I figured that maybe talking to her wouldn't be a completely bad idea, even though I could barely talk in the first place. Maybe saying my thoughts out loud would help.

"El! Hi!" she said as soon as she picked up.

"Hey Vic" I mumbled.

"Are you okay? You haven't been answering my texts"

"No, uhm, I feel like shit. I broke up with Sam three days ago" I said, already feeling like I was going to cry. Great start.

"What????"

"Yeah. I know, it sucks"

"Why the hell did you break up with her? Did something happen in England?"

"No... England was great. But I had to go back home for a day and my mom said her and my dad weren't going to pay for my rent anymore. I already knew they hated me, but this was the official confirmation. And I realized that if I can't even get my own parents to like me, I just must be a really fucked up person. And they're probably right, I don't really deserve anyone else to like me. I'm too much for anyone. I don't know why you still-"