Bitter (wlw) (txs)

forty

I definitely felt relieved after the talk with Sam, knowing that she didn't not want to see me ever again eased my mind, even if hearing her say I seriously upset her still made me sad. But at least we were on speaking terms again.

I was already awake at 7am because all the accumulated stress had messed my sleep up, so I texted her even if she'd probably see it after she'd landed.

you: hope you have a good journey :)

Getting myself to get up and go to college was really hard that morning, and doing Sam's course's lecture with a substitute professor was an incredibly boring experience, which made me realize how good she was at her job more than I already knew.

Hearing some man talk about the stuff she'd usually talk about felt really weird, and it didn't help me on keeping my already scarce focus on the lesson. I just kept checking my phone to see if I'd gotten a reply to my text even if I knew the flight was something like seven hours long, so there was no way she'd already arrived.

I couldn't spend the next ten days like that, though, so I promised myself I'd try to concentrate on other stuff. For example, Vic was coming to visit in two weeks which was something to really look forward to. And the weather was getting more spring-like everyday, which felt refreshing. I finally didn't need to wear four different layers to go out and could feel the sun for more than not even an hour per day.

I'd already planned ways to not have too much time alone in which I'd start feeling excessively lonely, and that included focusing in class more than I was used to and spending more time with Mei and her flatmates, since I'd often found myself declining invitations because I already had plans with Sam.

The text I'd been waiting for finally arrived when I was having lunch with my friend, so I had to contain the squeal I would've let out if I was alone.

sam<3: Just landed, all good. It's raining here, though

you: well, it is london after all. glad you're doing well :)

I knew that just a few days before her texts would have been definitely more detailed and less serious, which made me kind of sad. I tried not to think about it too much but I also imagined that once I wasn't around people that would happen.

Being alone in my flat that evening, knowing that I wouldn't see Sam first thing in the morning, didn't feel good. She hadn't texted me all day and I had to refrain myself from doing so multiple times, because it was something that I'd spontaneously usually do. 

But she did tell me she probably needed some time to get over what happened, and I wanted to respect that. Or maybe it didn't have anything to do with it, she was just really busy with work.

But what if the time alone actually made her think more about what I did and get mad again? Or realize how better off she was that way, on her own? Or that she didn't feel the need to even hear from me?

I felt like I was suffocating in my own thoughts and had no way to take my mind off it.

you: vic?

vic<3: what's up?

you: i'm spiraling really badly

vic<3: about?

you: you know about what...
you: she's been away for less than a day and i'm already panicking

vic<3: have you heard from her at all?

you: yeah, she told me she'd landed hours ago. but she seemed detached

vic<3: why don't you text her? she doesn't always have to be the first one