Bitter (wlw) (txs)

thirty-nine

(a/n: i've been waiting to publish this chapter just to add this song to it, i feel like it's sooo ellie :') )

If my reason for not drinking the previous evening was not wanting a headache in the morning, I failed at that, because I woke up with a throbbing pain in my head.

For a few seconds I forgot everything that happened, but it soon all came back, along with the anxiety I'd been feeling up to when I fell asleep.

It got worse once I looked at my phone to see both Vic's and Sam's texts. The first being replies to the almost indecipherable stuff I'd sent her, and the second being Sam telling me to join her downstairs whenever I wanted.

I knew that I wouldn't be able to hide everything from her, and I also didn't want to. But I didn't want to tell her what happened. I didn't want to hurt her like that. And we only had two days together before she had to leave.

The texts were already two hours old, so I knew she'd eventually reach out again soon.

Vic obviously told me I should talk about it immediately to avoid any further tensions, and had convinced me enough for me to also want to do that.

But as I heard knocks on my door, more than an hour later, fear started to get the best in me again.

"Morning" Sam smiled as she appeared in front of me. "I was starting to get worried at you not replying, sorry if I woke you up"

"I've been awake for a while" I said, gesturing to her to come in so I could close the door.

"Oh" she said, slightly confused. "Did you have fun last night?" she wrapped her arms over my shoulders.

I wanted to say "yes" so badly, I really did. But lying to her was something I physically couldn't do.

"Uhm, not really" I looked down.

"Why? What happened?" she tilted her head so she could look at me directly.

"I...uhm, me and Maya talked" I felt my lip starting to tremble after having to mention that name to her. I knew she didn't like hearing it.

"Oh no. Do you want to sit down for this?" she sensed that there was more to what I'd just said.

"I guess so" I moved to my microscopic couch, leaving enough space for her. "I know I did something stupid"

"What did she tell you? Please tell me you didn't believe a single word that came out of that- I mean, her mouth"

"She, uhm, it's not important. Mostly stuff I was already aware of"

"So why are you looking so devastated about it?" she asked, tensing up at hearing what I'd just said.

"I...I kind of allowed her to go on with the conversation. Like, hearing that stuff made all of my worries I thought weren't part of me anymore come back, and I just kept wanting to know more for a few minutes. I know it's bad, I'm sorry-"

"Shit, Ellie. Really?" she sighed, looking disappointed.

"I'm sorry" was the only thing I was able to say. "She just kept going on and on and I couldn't get myself to stop her. She's the one who started it"

"Of course she was. There's not much use in saying sorry now. It's just that...for fuck's sake, you know how much she hurt me in the past" she dropped her hands to her lap.

"I know. I shouldn't have gone out knowing I'd end up with her alone in the first place" I really tried to hold in tears as guilt took over my emotions.

"Or you could have just ignored what she said as soon as she started to talk, may I suggest"

"I tried to" my words came out more desperate than I wanted them to.