My Answer is You

8. These Days

These days, things are good.

These days, my grades are great. We are already almost four months into school--it's December now--and I've taken a total of eleven tests and seven projects. I got perfect scores on all of them. My classmates were starstruck. People would randomly congratulate me and give me high-fives. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and also overwhelmed due to all the attention. Mack and Lisa congratulate me the most. They make me feel at ease. 

These days, I am getting closer to Lisa and Mack. They are really the only people I talk to, the only friends I have. They're pretty good friends, but I don't feel like I am a good enough friend for them. I don't know how to be a friend, I've been pretty much a loner since I don't remember how long. I don't deserve them--they're so patient with me. I appreciate that so much.

These days, I am getting especially closer to Mack. Whenever Mack gives me a high-five or pats my head or put his arm around my shoulders, heat emits from my face and body. Sometimes he's so close to my face that the tip of his nose slightly grazes mine. I have the feeling he does it on purpose or is trying to lead me on, but I quickly brush the thought away. He doesn't like me that way--who in their right mind would? Nobody normal. I'm lucky enough that he is my friend, I shouldn't be greedy.

These days, Kendra doesn't bother me. In fact, ever since she saw what I did to my wrists, she has been nowhere near me. I find that so weird--how she would all of a sudden just leave me alone or not dare to even sneak glances at me in class or in the hallways. She is actually avoiding me on purpose. I guess that's pretty good, though I'm not used to that.

These days, things are good.

These days, things are good.

These days, things are good..

These days, things are good...

These days, things are...........

....good.......

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.......

.....

....

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..

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I feel watched.

Something is following me.

But I don't know what...or who.

Although things are going okay, there is just some feeling that tells me I'm not okay.

A gut feeling.

I just want to be okay.

Why can't I be okay?

I keep ignoring the feeling, but it's there no matter what.

As if it was always there.

And the worst part about it is that it could be anything--or anyone--and I would never know until I face it.

But I don't want to face it.

I want to be saved...

~~

It's the winter break now, and I'm so happy it's here. Not that I do anything on Christmas anyways, I only like it because it's a long break--and I don't get work. Because what crazy teacher in a crazy school would give crazy assignments? I can't think of one. It must suck to be given homework during the break.

I'm in the kitchen making hot chocolate for myself since nobody will. My parents aren't home. They left me here all by myself and traveled all the way to Virginia to spend the break at my sister's house. They really don't care about me, huh. They thought it was okay to leave a fucking 15-year-old all by herself in a mansion and travel out of the fucking state. 

I'm so pissed at their carelessness. Not only are they risking my loss of life, but they're also risking the loss of the whole property. They're failures as parents.

Only failures raise failures.

Except my older sister wasn't a failure.

They haven't tried with me, that's the issue. My parents don't try with me. They leave me to fend for myself and then flaunt over my older sister like she's a goddess.

Maybe she is the goddess of the family, though.

I don't know what to think anymore.

I walk over to the living room and sit on the couch stiffly, then soon relax. An idea pops into my head: since my parents aren't here, that means I can do whatever I want, right?

I sneak a glance at my laptop resting on the marble table by the staircase. I place my cup of hot chocolate on the glass table in front of me and head for the laptop. I hold it in the crook of my arm and I plop myself onto the couch, sinking into it.

I open up my laptop and take a look at the new messages I have from Lisa and Mack. A week ago, they offered up their contacts to me and in return I gave them mine. 

I type in the chat box: hey guys. r any of u free? i was thinking if u guys could come over. its alr if u guys knt, js saying.

I'm hesitant for a second as my cursor hovers over the send button. And without thinking, I press send.

It takes only two minutes before Lisa replies to my messages with: im down 😜

Mack replies a few moments after Lisa does: I'll be there, too :)

My mouth stretches into a small smile.