my online lover

date and memories

Two days later, my father and I still haven't spoken. We are too proud to do that. I feel bad about it because maybe I could just go to him and clear things up. But I am so much my father's daughter. I never do the first step. Usually, it's him that tries to move forwards with me. Like, asking about something I like to do, watch or eat. He is used to coming at me and saying: do you want to watch The Greatest Showman? Knowing it is my favourite movie and I say yes. Because I also want to make things up.

My mom was the one with the patience. She always knew what words to use, soft and right. She was the middle between me and my father. Somehow, she always finds out how to make either me or my father apologize. Now that she is not here anymore, we don't know how to do it.

But maybe I can take the lead, this time. And see how things will go.

It's Friday and today I have the date with Kevin. How do I feel? Like someone who is waiting for the day to be already over. I know I shouldn't feel like this and I should feel excited but I have realized that I want to focus on studying. I need to finish this year and go away from everything and everyone.

So I will delete Tinder after the date. I will never hear from Kevin anymore and I can start to have my life under control.

I am still in bed. I am searching for the mood to leave it, get ready, and go to university. I puff as soon as my feet touch the cold floor. I hate sleeping with socks but I also hate the freezing morning ground so I quickly put on my slippers and I stand up, going to the living room where I will leave a note to my father. Starting the long process to fix things up.

Hi, dad.

I am sorry that we still haven't made things up.

The problem is the way to talk to me and probably it's the same with me.

We are still father and daughter.

I don't wanna put you out of my life but if I chose to not tell you anything it was just because I didn't feel to. I needed to wait for things to be sure.

Anyway, I will tell you everything tomorrow.

Love you, En.

We have this weird tradition to write each other things on a post-it to tell us something important. We never fight over notes, they take too long to write. We rarely use texts, only when we know that the other can't speak because we usually use calls. It feels more real. Behind a text can always feel like someone is angry when maybe they are not. That's why both of us hate the texting thing and we use notes because you only have to use a few words and calls, so you can hear the voice.

I leave the notes there and go back to my room to finally get ready to go to class but I am ready five minutes before the lesson starts, so I am late, as usual.

«There you are! I had almost fight to this skinny girl for your sit.»

I am still trying to breathe. I had to run to be at least only ten minutes late. I am sweaty and my hair is sticky on my forehead. Antonio is looking at me like he had to fight his life for this sit.

I look at him sideways. «Everyone knows here where I sit and that I am always late. Who is she? Probably someone stupid or new.»

He points with nonchalance to a sit not that far away from me. When I turn around, I can see her already looking at me and I feel chills all over my body. She is probably new, I have never seen her. Why she should start the course after two months? She seems like a Tim Burton character. She has this long black hair and really light eyes but I can't see the colour from here. What I can see is the way she is skinny and not the way I thought with Antonio's words. She has pale skin and her face is hollowed out with dark circles highlighted. I feel my stomach rolling and I quickly turn myself back around. It seems like that girl has had the worst days of her life.