my online lover

conflicting thoughts

Little sun's rays are pitching my face while I am still in my bed, half asleep.

I rub my eyes to let the light discomfort go away but the day is telling me to move and get up from my bed. I turned off my alarm five minutes ago and still haven't moved a single muscle to start the day.

I hate Monday. I actually hate all those days when I have very early morning lessons. I always tell myself to not go, to check online classes and stay at home but then I end up not following them and not understanding what we're doing, so I must attend class.

I roll my body to change position and give the back to the window, hoping the sunlight won't bother me anymore but then I hear my phone vibrating and I am sure it's Antonio being sure I am awake. I don't even look at the phone, I just turn it upside down and close again my eyes.

I wonder what the heck I want to do in my life. I feel like I am swamped with all these responsibilities that I don't wanna follow. The twenties are one of the worst ages because you have to have fun but also find your way to the big world. You have two streets to walk in at the same time but don't know how. You need to have a job but also a social life. If you're studying, you have to finish them but also go to parties because young age is not forever. But then you have thousands of exams to prepare for and no time to have fun, but you have to also have a break. But all of this can't be put together because they don't work as a team. So either you end up doing one thing or the other. Not both.

And I am in that phase of my life where I don't know which way to take. Not because I want to have fun, but because I feel like I won't be fine if I don't take a break.

My phone starts vibrating again, and I check who it is this time.

When I see Antonio's name, I again don't answer. I hang up, letting him know that I am awake but I am trying to avoid his calls and my life.

I sit, covering my body with the bedsheet and looking around like I am checking to be in the right place but I am just procrastinating and if I decide to go to class, I'll be surely late.

I am late if I move fast, I am late if I move slow. So I take my time.

I leave my bed, put on my slippers, and go to the bathroom to freshen my face and wash my body. I don't eat breakfast, I will take something on my way to go.

So once I am dressed up, I leave the house directly and I am not even late. I am wondering how is that possible. I manage to stop at the bar under my building to take a brioche and a coffee and then I take the main street.

It's almost eight fifteen in the morning and here it's already chaotic. People run from every side of the city, to go to work, school or wherever. When I was in high school I used to take the subway because it wasn't there. I was not even that far away but by tram, not by foot. I did high school specialising in classical studies, that's why now I am doing Letters. It was a way to follow the young studies and also because I have always wanted to be a writer but after three years of University, I am asking myself if this is actually what I want to do because right now I don't even have never write anything out of the school's tasks. I should try to write a story, a book, or a novel to improve my skills and see if I am actually for this side of the world but my mind always pushes me away from doing it.

I take a bite of my brioche while I sit outside the university, on one of the old and cracky benches. My phone rings, again and I snort twisting my nose for how much nagging Antonio is but when I read a different name on my screen, my legs tremble and my heart races. It's Kevin.

After Friday, I really didn't text him but not because I didn't want to but because I forgot. I unlock my phone and open WhatsApp to read the text and answer it.