my online lover

almost

For the next few days, I spent more time in Kevin's house than in mine.

The morning after my father and I had the fight he left me the usual note we do when we need to apologise.

It said:

Mine is just a normal parental worry. You can't blame me for wanting you to be fine and safe.

I know you keep saying you're, but you don't see yourself the same way I do.

I just hope whatever you're dealing with, it will pass and get better.

When I read it, I was sitting at the table and I little sight had left my mouth because I felt so sorry about what I'd said to him. It's not right. He is my father and he has all the right to know what's going on in my life. I still live with him, I am his responsibility and he only wants to be sure I am not coming back home in an ambulance or finding me in one of his hospital's rooms.

I wrote back:

Believe me when I say I am fine.

I know I may look like something wrong is going on, but it isn't. Everybody has their down and up. I am eating, less but still eating.

And it's not about mom.

I almost forgot about Mom's death anniversary and I would've rather done that. It's never been an easy moment remembering her leaving us. Usually, I go to her grave and talk with her, telling her what happen between the last time I saw her and now. But this time things are different and if I go there, Kevin'll come too and I don't want to. It's a private and deep moment between her and me. And even if he would stay far away, I don't want him to see me crying, knowing how he would care and react.

I think about all of this while I am sitting on Kevin's living room floor, with my head pointing an unsure point and my hand in the air, holding a pen. I was writing down the question to ask Daniele, the PI, when I suddenly isolated myself from the reality of it, to push my focus on my mom.

A hand waves ahead of my face. «Earth calls Enede,» Kevin names me.

I shoot my head and face his gaze. «What?» I ask like he has told me something but he probably is ensuring I am fine.

«You just zoomed out,» he comments while he sits right in front of me, on the floor and handing me a sandwich.

I have been here since early morning. We talked about a lot of stuff, not just the plan. Actually, we didn't talk a little about it. I need to talk first with Daniele, so I will know everything we need to do to make sure our plan works.

I shake my head in the food direction. «I'm not hungry,» I decline his offer before turning my head back to the questions list.

I know he is observing me. I haven't had breakfast and now I am refusing lunch, or whatever this is. «Eat,» he obeys me while keep pushing the dish under my nose.

I only raise my eyes to meet his. «I don't want to.»

«You didn't eat breakfast and now you aren't eating this. You need to put something in your stomach so your mind can work well.»

I put down the pen with a dry act and dart my seethe gaze at him. «I hate when people tell me what to do, mostly when I have already said no.»

Kevin inches towards me. «You need to eat.» His voice is gentle and his eyes are begging me to eat that freaking sandwich. Not because he wants to see me do what he asks, but because he wants me to stay healthy and maybe I need to follow his mind. Even if I don't feel in the mood for food, I know my body needs it so can just hear what it needs and not let my mind control me.