Most of the time when we feel vulnerable we tend to put protections in front of us that push away people who could help us. It's inevitable. We do it because we feel the need to shield our weak minds from someone that could try to use that against us. It's a human thing. It also happens when we're sad. We just isolate ourselves in our safe space and most of the time it doesn't include having people in it.
Even the safest ones, you just push them away. However, those people can try harder to stay next to you, even if you don't want to because that's what love does. Fight against other's demons when they know you can't do it alone, even if they're yours. Love doesn't step back when it's about someone you care about.
Despite that, some vulnerable people try to keep others near because they need them for protection. And I don't know which of them I am. I don't know if I need someone or if I don't.
When I was at my lowest, I pushed everyone away but they never left.
Antonio stayed, and my father took care of me. They're the only person whom I will be the most grateful to until my last day. Without them, I wouldn't be here today.
Though, now I am again risking my life and this time it doesn't depend on me.
—
It's Monday afternoon, right after lunch. Antonio and I are walking around Milan's shops to buy some Christmas gifts. We always do it in advance because we know there are fewer people and more stuff. I already bought something for my dad and Giacomo. I also want to buy something for Ludovico and Brody. I will buy Antonio's gift another day when I'll be alone. And I need something for Marina too.
I am madly trying not to think about Kevin and whatever goes around him. I know that today he has to talk with his father but he hasn't told me anything yet. I wonder if he has already gone or if he still has to.
«How did the self-defence lesson go?» Antonio asks while we stop in front of the Mondadori.
I want to buy Marina a new book and a gift card next to it but when my best friend asks that, my mind becomes blind to everything except the moment Kevin tried to flirt -or whatever that was- with me.
He being too closer to me, mine and his red cheeks.
You have no idea how much control I am handling right now. His words never left my mind and right now they bounce again in my thoughts. The first thing I asked myself was: from what was he controlling himself?
Antonio pinches my arm, making me twitch. «Are you still on the earth?»
I take away my arm. «That hurt,» I retort and then nod. «What did you ask?»
My best friend narrows his eyes. «How did the self-defence lesson go?»
«Well.» My voice sounds hoarse when I said that and I am sure Antonio will keep investigating this.
«Nothing else? How was the trainer?» He keeps asking.
I step inside the bookstore and walk towards the crime section. «Good looking and good in his job.»
My mind is running from thought to thought, while my eyes are trying to focus on the books to pick one of the best even if I don't even know which one to get.
«And Kevin?»
I stop walking. I turn my head to Antonio with a blank expression. «What about him?»
Antonio grins. «What happened between you two?»
I start to feel my cheeks becoming red so I quickly turn my head back on the book and read the title of them but without actually giving them the right attention. Gosh, I hate blushing. I cover my face with my hair while Antonio comes closer to me. «Oh, oh. You little rat, what happened?»
YOU ARE READING
my online lover
RomanceWhen Enede comes across Kevin at first she thinks that life is giving her so many joys. She meets him on Tinder and she hates Tinder but somehow she finds herself talking to him while in her life everything is taking shape and is adjusting, like her...
