Existence

Chapter 2 "I can't calm down"

After 3 days

I was having a class, and I'm focusing on it but I can't, I kept trying to understand word by word the things that my teacher is saying. I can't, Ian...

I need to know why I think you hate me

After class, not as usual, I didn't understand anything from the lessons

Every sound around me scares and annoys me at the same time

I felt like I'm going crazy, I can't breathe properly

I didn't think of calming down, I can't calm down

While I was breathing heavily, my Mom suddenly tapped my shoulder

"Are you okay? I'll get you water?" Mom added

"Yes, Mom, thanks" I replied

I then drink the water

And I got upstairs, lay down in my bed, and stared at the ceiling

I opened my phone and immediately replied to Mary

Nova: "Mary, sorry I didn't reply for the past few days"
"What is it? I want to know what did I do that made him upset"

Mary: "Girl, Are you ok? I was worried"
"Ykw, what you did is you always reject him"
"I wanna know why too, why after all the efforts he gives to you, all you did is reject him"
Nova: "Tell him I'm sorry, we can simply talk about it and fix it"
Mary: "It's too late, he said he realized something and he's traumatized abt it, I'm sorry Nova"

I left it on read, I can't say anything. My mind is turning into a jungle as hours past by

As days, weeks, and months pass by and pass by, I and Mary didn't talk for a while

I spent so many months without any friends, I hated having friends, and I hated people who have friends. Focus, studies, and stress for these months

But for today, I decided to talk to her

Nova: "Mary, I know it's been a long time, but I just wanted to know if you're doing fine"
Mary: "Hiiiiiiii, Nova, I'm a bit stressed wbu??"

I lack the motivation of communicating, I didn't want to talk to her, I was so scared. For these past few months of not talked to any friends that aren't about school

I stabbed and always swallowed my mind with studying

While I was typing, my hands are shaking

Nova: "Get some good rest for u."
"I'm so tired, I think I do need help though. I think I have anxiety"
Mary: "Oh, tell your parents they can help"
Nova: "They can't"
"I wanna talk to you because I don't think I have the time for this friendship, look we haven't talked for months, I'm sorry"
Mary: "It's fine"
Nova: "No, it's not fine, I'm sorry. But I really can't have friends anymore, sorry that I made you feel like you were nothing to me. You helped me with so many things, I'm sorry. Goodbye"

Mary just left it on read

I thought I'd cry, but I continued writing the school activity that I'm doing

12 am

I was scrolling through Instagram

I was so confused, there are a lot of memes that I'm seeing about having face 2 face classes

I just kept ignoring all the memes

Closed my phone and goes to sleep

Another day, I woke up late because we don't have online meetings anymore

The school year is ending already

I got a message from our Professor saying "Good morning, Nova. I need a picture of you with our school uniform for tomorrow's online awarding. Congrats, Nova, thank you"
Nova: "Okay sure, Sir. Thank you so much"

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