Existence

Chapter 6"I brought a rope"

2 days later

We went to Grandma's house, I fixed my clothes and my bags and ate dinner with my Grandma and Mom

As we were eating, Grandma started the conversation

"Do your best, Nova. It's not because it's just online classes you have an award" Grandma said as she stares at me

I hate how she talks to me, I hate the tone of her voice, and I wish I could just put her on mute

Suddenly Mom added, "Right, Nova, do your best, I know you can do it"

Somehow, I like how my Mom talks to me

The other day

This will be the most stupid day ever, the first day of school

I got ready, ate breakfast, take clothes on, put earphones on, and listened to some music while I got to a bus

When I arrived at the school, there were a lot of people, some of them have friends, I felt lonely, I was trembling and I can't breathe

I tried to calm myself, Thank God it worked

I brought myself a stress toy so I can avoid my anxiety

As I entered my class, I'm still trembling, some of the people stared at me while I was walking

stop staring at me, what do you want?!

I'm starting to get annoyed

Minutes later, I saw Ava, right, we're in the same class

I came near her and said, "Hey, Ava, it's unbelievable, we're in t-the sa-same class"

She suddenly hugged me and replied, "Hey, Nova, I'm happy to see you in person!"

"Me too, I'm so happy that I got to meet you" I added

Then she suddenly smiled, "Let's sit next to each other"

"Sure"

I'm so relieved that I'm close with Ava and we're in the same class

After class, I asked Ava to get dinner with me and she accepted

We went to a restaurant near the school

While we were eating, I started the conversation

"So, Ava, do you feel like you were nervous while having class? Because I do and I need help"

"You need to relax, you'll be okay" she replied and continued eating

I feel off with her, she's awfully quiet, so I just stopped talking

After eating, I went home and fixed my bag

my Grandma suddenly said, "Fix your bag and go eat dinner now" with the tone I hate again

"I already ate dinner with my friend"

"Okay... How was your first day?"

"It's great, Grandma"

I secretly got a knife from the kitchen and got upstairs

I started crying, I felt so lonely, and I wanted to see fewer people, I thought Ava would be a good friend of mine, but I think she doesn't like me. I don't feel good seeing a lot of people, how they look at me like I'm at the bottom of their shoes

As I thought all about it, I slashed my wrist

The other day, I went to school, and I tried to act more normal and calm

I wore long sleeves to hide the wounds on my wrist

When I came inside the room, I then sat next to Ava

"Sorry I didn't give you enough advice yesterday, I was not in the mood, I'm sorry," Ava said

"Oh, it's fine" I then nodded

Ava smiled and added, "Thank you for understanding"

Months pass by and pass by, the same shit all over and over again

I'm getting tired, I'm trying to change everything but I can't.

After such a long day, I brought a rope, I want to die now

I went home

Dropped my bag on the chair

My grandma said, "You got home late, won't you help here in the house huh? You always hang out with your useless friends"

I wish she actually knew that I don't want to have friends anymore

I tried to go upstairs to do the thing I wanted to do

my Grandma suddenly added, "Eat first before you lie down in the bed and act all lazy and useless there"

Useless? Right, I'm useless

I ate because she'll get mad at me if I didn't

The food is so good, why is it so good? Because it's my last meal. Last meals should be good

After eating, I brought the rope with me to go upstairs

I started to cry as I wanted to change things, I wanted to feel better, but nothing was working.

The more I wake up every single day, the more I suffer, I'm so tired

I'm starting to do it

But my phone rang

I want to ignore it but it's so annoying

But then I saw it, it was Ava calling

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