'I don't want to see him, I can't. I could never look him in the eyes again, because all I'd think about is how it was all my fault.'
Two years. That's the time Céline has spent away from home. A few hours. A few hours in the big metropolis to chang...
To soulmates, the ones we will always look for at the end of every lap
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PROLOGUE
Céline
Now
'Thank you for your time, Miss Valentini, but we believe another trainee is more suitable for this position.'
Those words echo in the silent room. What I worked for in the last two years is gone. The stage that was supposed to change my career led to nothing. I persistently think about what I did wrong, and when the examiners leave I am left alone to drown in disappointment. I can't look up from these Jimmy Choos I slipped into just two hours ago. They were a gift from my ex-boyfriend. He had given them to me before I left for New York, and therefore before we broke up. I got rid of almost everything that reminded me of him. Blocked his number, deleted him from social media, even stopped watching my favorite sport just so I wouldn't have to see his face. But I kept these shoes. Maybe because they were too beautiful, too expensive to throw away. Maybe because, no matter how much I try to deny it, he's still my weakness. And now, these same heels are about to take me back to Monaco. Spending Christmas at home isn't exactly thrilling, for more reasons than one. Telling my family that I failed is at the top of that list. But the thing that unsettles me the most?
I'll inevitably see Charles again.
Just the thought makes my stomach tighten. Too many bad memories are tied to that name, to New York. Maybe a change of scenery will do me good, even if this city has become my home. I glance at Loren, who's still staring at the screen in the meeting room. The projector casts images of my work, ten photos I carefully selected to encapsulate my journey here. Some of my best shots hold all the pain I faced after the night that changed everything, a few weeks after arriving. A roller coaster ride of ups and downs that has come to an end.
The ride is over.
Time to get off.
Time to face the reality that photography will never be my career. 'Thanks for the opportunity. It was nice working with you.' Loren gives me a tight, wordless smile before I find myself outside the towering skyscraper, then in my car. As I book my flight back to Nice, maybe forever, I start making a mental list of things I need to do once I set foot on Monegasque soil.
At the top: find an apartment and a job.
I need my own space. I need something to do, anything that isn't shopping or overthinking. No one knows I'm coming back yet. Not my family. Not my old friends. So I decide to text Max and Kelly.
CÉLINE: I land in Nice late this evening, I need some company :)
Max is my best friend. We met for the first time thanks to Charles and Daniel, and from that moment on, we were inseparable. Kelly, his girlfriend, is like a sister to me. It's thanks to them that these two years in New York were not a total disaster.
They both know what happened.
Kelly was the first to show up when everything fell apart. She stayed with me for almost a month, comforting me, making sure I didn't completely break. And Max, he never pushed for answers, never made me feel worse for the decision I made. The decision to cut Charles out of my life without an explanation. I know my ex spent months asking them, and Daniel, how I was, why I had disappeared.
He never got an answer.
I didn't want to see him. Giving up racing weekends, stopping myself from traveling to support my friends, it was the hardest thing I could have done. I didn't even let myself watch the races on TV anymore. Instead, Kelly would call me after every Grand Prix, give me the results, then immediately change the subject, distracting me with something, anything else. But now, as the reality of returning home settles in, I realize something inevitable
I'm going to see him again.
Before I can overthink it, I send another message to our group chat.
CÉLINE: booked a table at Jimmy'z, I miss partying with you guys MAX: it's two more weeks until Christmas... why are you already coming back? KELLS: Cel did something happen? I didn't think you had this much desire to return... you told me that you would work until the end, given the hiring CÉLINE: there's no job, thought I might as well come back now DANNYRIC: oh Cels, how come they didn't get you? KELLS: Céline, call me please I want to know what's happening MAX: there's a jet ready to take you home as soon as you're ready! if you want to have fun to distract yourself tonight that's okay, just don't cut us off
Max's message makes me burst into tears, again. I knew they'd be worried, but I didn't think I'd have to talk about my failure right away. The weight of it presses against my chest, sharp and suffocating. But after no more than ten minutes, I convince myself to get up. I'll have the entire flight to dwell on everything that might happen once I land. I make a mental note to thank Max for arranging the jet and start throwing clothes into the biggest suitcase I own, moving on autopilot. The illusion of calm, if I can even call it that, doesn't last long. When I come across the hospital documents, my breath catches, my hands tremble, and before I can stop it, the anger and pain swallow me whole. The tears come harder this time, relentless, shaking my entire body.
I'm alone.
This is one of those moments when I wish I had my ex-boyfriend by my side, because he was the only one who could ever pull me back from this. The only one who could quiet the panic that came out of nowhere.
So, pathetically, I still imagine myself in his arms.
I never asked the others what happened to him, I know about some of his victories but nothing about his private life. He's probably engaged now, maybe living with someone. I close my eyes, and the memory of his voice washes over me. A whisper, a spell, a promise that once felt unbreakable. "Let yourself go, someone will save you before you know it."
Overthinking.
I light a cigarette, letting the bitter taste settle on my tongue as I exhale into the cold New York air. Maybe I could ask Kelly if she needs help with Penelope, I miss spending time with her. The thought is a small comfort, a distraction from the storm brewing in my mind. The sky is a dull grey, mirroring the weight in my chest. And without meaning to, I go back to that damned September 2nd, two years ago.
The night that changed everything.
Even now, after all this time, the memories remain blurred, fragments of a past I can't fully piece together. I take one last drag, then stub the cigarette out before the temptation to light another one takes over.
Enough.
I head back inside, forcing myself to focus on my half-packed bags. It's time to leave this chapter of my life behind me, ready, more or less, to let go hoping that someone will be ready to save me.
