First responder, second love

Chapter 16

Evan and I are dating for a few weeks now. We're struggling with finding time to spend together, due to my demanding job, and long shifts. But we make the time to talk to each other on the phone. After what happened, I was hoping he would take better care of himself, but nothing really changed. Yes, he is not working out as much as he did, but that only means that he stays in bed for way too long. After he got send home from the hospital, he expected to go back to work right away. But Bobby didn't think it was a good idea, and I don't think he's wrong. If something happens on the job, he would need help straight away. Even though Evan thinks he would be completely safe with two EMTs with him, Bobby doesn't agree. I haven't told Evan that I agree with the captain of the fire house, but I do. So, now he lost his motivation, and just lies in bed for a big part of the day.
    "Kinsley, do you have time to check on the Adams' kid?" Alex asks while he puts some papers down at the Nurse's station.
    "Sure," I answer.
    "And I was wondering if you would like to get a drink tonight? Jo, Avery and DeLuca are going too."
    "Can't, promised Evan I would come over after work."
    "Why?"
    "Why? Because he's my boyfriend and I like to be with him."
    "Well, it doesn't seem like you two are having fun."
    "We are fine, everything is fine."
    "Maybe one more time, until you believe it yourself." I punch Alex in the arm and look angry at him.
    "I thought you wanted me to date Evan, and now all of a sudden you object. What is going on with you?"
    "What is going on with you?" I look at Alex without saying a word. I have no idea what is happening right now. What is his problem, does he have one with Evan? Evan did nothing wrong. Yes, we aren't having the best time all the time. He is feeling down about not being able to go back to work. And yes, we just watch movies when I come over. But I'm not bailing on him, because I know it will get better. "I just want you to be happy, I want Evan to be good to you."
    "He is just feeling a bit down, but it will get better."
    "You sure about that?"
    "Evan and I are having a rough start, from the beginning. That doesn't mean I need to give up. So, stop worrying about him, again. I can take care of myself, just fine," I say before I walk to the room of Mickey Adams.

After work, I drive to Evan's apartment, and I get up to his front door. I knock a couple of times, and after a little while the door opens.
    "Hi," Evan says, and he lets me in the apartment. I walk through the door and see admittedly, the mess all around the kitchen. There are all kinds of empty boxes and containers, which probably held food. Evan walks to the fridge, takes two beers, and closes it again. "Want one?" he asks while he's holding them up in the air. I nod my head and hang my jacket on the chair.            "Want to watch a movie?"
    "Sure," I answer, and I watch Evan falling down on the couch in front of the television, probably the same place he has been sitting the whole day. I take a seat next to him and Evan starts a movie.
    "Have you talked to Bobby today?"
    "Why would I?"
    "Because he could help you figure out what to do until you can go back to the team."
   "I don't need him for that, and I told you, I'm not going to sit at a desk," he reacts, and he takes a sip of his bottle.
    "It's not that you're doing anything right now."
    "They're not letting me."
    "No, you're not ready to go back. But that doesn't mean you need to stay at home, sleeping all day, sitting on the couch, and eating whatever was in those boxes," I say while I point at the kitchen. "This is not you, Evan, you're not the kind of person who would give up."
    "I'm not giving up," he says, and he looks straight at me.
    "What do you call it that you're doing the last couple of weeks?"
    "I can't help it that they won't let me go back to work. I would be completely safe, with two EMTs right there with me," he speaks, and he looks at me for agreement, but I'm not nodding my head. "What, you agree with me, right?" and there it is, the moment I can't keep my mouth shut anymore.
    "I think Bobby is right. If something happens while on the job, you would be in danger. And you can't say Hen and Chimney can help you, because they would have a job to do there. There would be others to save."
    "Are you serious?" Evan asks, stunned, and I nod my head.
    "I would love nothing more than for you to go back to work, but you have to be realistic. You're not ready yet."
    "So, you're not going to support me on this?"
    "I want to support you in any way, but you can't ask your team that kind of responsibility. It wouldn't be fair, and you know that."
    "Just go," Evan says all of a sudden.
    "What?" I ask, surprised, because I'm not sure I heard him right.
    "I just want you to go," Evan says again, and this time I heard it very clearly.
    "So, what, you're going to push me away just because I care about you? Because I won't agree with you on this?"
    "I need someone who supports me, whenever."
    "No, you need a girlfriend who accepts the fact that you don't give a crap about you own damn life. Well, I'm not going to be that one," I tell him, and I get up from the couch. I take my jacket from the chair and walk to the door, but then it looks like Evan realizes he's making a mistake. I hear his footsteps behind me, but I'm not turning around. I open the front door, and walk away without thinking about it one seconds longer.
   
    "Sam, what are you doing here?" I hear Alex shouting from one of the booths in the bar. He's sitting at one of the tables, together with Jo, Andrew and Jackson. I walk up to them, and take a seat next to Andrew. "What happened with your plans?"
    "Don't want to talk about it. What are we drinking?" and after an hour I drank four beers and two tequila shots already. I'm on the dance floor with Andrew and moving around like we're the only two people there. Andrew is a handsome guy. He has dark brown hair and a small beard. Besides being attractive, he's also very nice. He has his heart in the right place, it's maybe a bit too big for his own good. Andrew is getting closer to me and I feel his hand on my waist. He smiles at me, and pulse me a bit closer. I'm just having fun with my coworkers, we're just dancing. So why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong? Maybe because something in me says that he could kiss me at any minute, but that's not what I want. I push him away and walk away from the dance floor. I hear him shouting my name, but I'm not going back. I walk through the crowd, but on my way to the door, I hear someone saying my name. I look to my left and see Eddie standing at the bar.
    "Sammy, fancy seeing you here," he says with a smile on his face, but he admittedly sees that something is wrong. "Want to talk?" and I nod my head.

    "He actually said that to you?" Eddie asks stunned after I told him everything. I nod my head and take a sip from my beer. We're sitting at the bar and drinking beer. My coworkers are still sitting at the booth, and Andrew found some other woman to dance with. "He is so stubborn. He can't accept that there are people who want him to be safe."
    "It's like he doesn't believe there are people who actually care about him. Like he doesn't think he's worth it."
    "Unfortunately, you're right. Maybe it would help if you talk to him, tell him your story. Maybe it would change something."
    "Do you really think that?"
    "It wouldn't hurt to try, Sammy." I nod my head, because maybe Eddie is right. Maybe telling Evan about my past would make a difference, would make him see things like I do. I know I should have told him sooner, but can't seem to find the strength to start the conversation. Every time I think I'm ready, I can't seem to find the words.

I'm on my way to the hospital for a 48-hour shift. I haven't talked to Evan ever since our fight. I know I have to, but I couldn't find the strength to go over there, and to have the talk with him. He called a couple of times to try to apologize. I just listened to his words, to how many times he said sorry. I'm walking up to the changing room and change into my scrubs. I take my phone out of my bag and look at the screen before I put it in my pocket. There is a message in the screen from Eddie. It says that he is trying something to get Evan out of the house. He just dropped his son Christopher at Evan's apartment. I put my phone away and walk out of the room.
    "Well, everything looks good mister Peters, Adam is finally able to go home with you. I will ask a nurse to come by. And you, Adam, I wish you a lot of fun at your birthday party next week. Promise me to eat a lot of cake." The kid smiles at me and nods his head.
    "I will be covered in chocolate cake," the boy says enthusiastic.
    "Sounds like a fantastic plan," I say before I leave the room. I walk up to the Nurses station and hand some papers over to the nurse sitting at the desk. "Will you make sure that the papers are in order before the kid leaves?"
    "Of course, doctor Kinsley," the woman says, and I nod my head. I take my phone out of the pocket of my scrubs and see if I have any messages. Evan has sent a photo of him and Christopher at the pier a little while ago. It acutely looks like they're having fun, like Evan is having fun. I want to send a message back, but Andrew is walking up to me.
    "Can we talk?"
    "About what?" I ask.
    "About last time, at the bar."
    "Nothing happened," I say admittedly.
    "I just don't want to make things awkward between us."
    "Don't worry about it. No awkwardness here."
    "I shouldn't have put my arms around you, I just don't know what I was thinking."
    "Andrew, we're good," I say, and I mean it, but it looks like DeLuca isn't sure about it. Before he can't say anything else, a voice stars to speak through the hospital's speakers.
    "A big wave had hit the peer. We don't know how many casualties there will be, but we have to be prepared for anything," the voice speaks. I look at DeLuca, and we both know what this mean.
    "A tsunami," we say at the same time.

After a couple of hours, Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital is filling up with injured people. We are handling it, but we also know that there will be much more. The whole time I try to reach Evan, because I know exactly where he was when the wave had hit, and it got me worried about him and Christopher. Are they safe, are they injured, and are they even alive? But I also know that I have to focus on my work. The people here need me, and not me without my brain. Hours go by fast, and the hospital keeps filling herself with more people, and I'm getting worried even more. I need to know if they're okay, if they're alive. And I can help but feel a little panic. The same panic my father had felt when they told us that my mother wouldn't get better anymore.

I still remember the moment when they sat me down on the big couch in the living room. They both stared at me, but they didn't say a word. They probably had no idea how to tell me that I was going to lose my mother. And I don't blame them, who would know how to talk with a child about something so difficult, something so awful. After they told me, I became so afraid of losing my mother. I thought I could lose her at any minute. Every time, when she went out to get some groceries, I was mortified she wouldn't make it home again. I was worried she would collapse in the streets, or behind the wheel. They never told me that it wouldn't happen like that. They never told me we would see it coming. Like a dark cloud above our heads, a mysterious shadow that won't stop following us. But eventually it felt like a big wave that took my good life away.