Maybe Tomorrow

Chapter 16 - Alexandra

I can't believe what happened yesterday wasn't a dream. Was I truly in the music room with The Queen herself and confessed what I thought of her? Did I stand there and tell her I thought she looked like the Goddess of love? Did I really lean in and gave her a peck on the lips?

Touching my lips as if they could talk, I gently slide a finger over the sensitive skin, trying to remember how hers felt against mine. It was only for a moment but I remember warmth spreading through my face for that single moment of contact.

It all is so surreal, as if I am still sleeping. Even when Agatha strides in to help me with my morning preparations I know I no longer am but I keep thinking about last night while I slowly prepare myself for the first meal of the day.

I was dreaming about her even while unconscious. Throughout the whole night I had a reappearing dream about the beautiful woman I got to kiss last night. I imagined what it would be like if I kept my lips on hers for just a tad longer and if I actually moved them against hers to create something more between us.

I knew she wanted me to move them. I could see it in her eyes that she wished she could reciprocate what I did but she respected my wishes and took a step back when I needed it. She seemed satisfied enough with where my boundaries stand and she didn't complain once. For goodness' sake, she even pulled her hands back from my shoulders so she wouldn't overstep them just to take my hands in hers.

And although her actions last night made me confident in her feelings towards me, I am still pretty much terrified of both the past and the future because there is no clear path to what might await us there.

I am scared of our feelings fading away over time. I am scared of having to tell her every single detail from my past just as much as I want to scream everything at her so I am done and over with it. I am scared of what could and would happen if someone were to find out. Just being with her alone somewhere makes me anxious that someone might walk in and think of us as something more.

Which we were now but I'm not to act on my feelings around her unless we are in the privacy of four walls, doors shut tightly so not a single drop of find can come through.

Love might come easy to others but I wasn't one of them. I am attracted to her, that I won't deny. But the attraction goes much deeper than that. It can develop into something people aren't used to in this society and only God knows what could happen if the information of our relations in the future would affect our lives if it were to be revealed. After all, it isn't the first time someone loved a person of the same sex as them.

And surely we won't be the last.

Surely there must be hundreds of people like me. Like us. People who just can't look at ladies or lords, depending on if they are women or men, and find any attraction towards them. I wasn't the first one in history and neither is Charlotte. There is proof of that in our history.

I don't even know where she stands. If she only finds women attractive or if she likes the looks of my brother for example. I want to ask her and I know there will come a time where it will be necessary to do so but it will make the truth even more real.

For many my mind wouldn't make any sense. But they will never understand what I have to go through every day just because I look in the general direction of an appealing woman. In my case, Charlotte. What my mind tells me almost every minute of every day about myself and how hard it was to fight off every thought like that last night in Charlotte's presence.

But I managed to fight it and eventually, it also felt pleasant when I took the little step closer to her heart and kissed her. The pleasure and relief that came when our hands made contact with each other's skin and when my lips found their way towards hers.