Where's My Love? - Lo'ak

Chapter 46: Bottle It All Up

Ending up alone. One of Lo'ak's biggest fears, if not his biggest.

He always thought his biggest fear was drowning, especially after he experienced it first hand, but now he knows it's ending up alone.

Losing his family. Losing his mate. Losing everything.

He fears that so deeply in his bones and heart it hurts. Because if he loses Neteyam that would be his fault, right? And if he loses Neteyam surely his family will blame him and he will lose them too. And Esmyrie, if he loses Esmyrie what would be the point of living? His job is to protect, and if he loses her he has failed...

He doesn't want to end up alone. To lose people and ultimately lose himself. So maybe that's why after his breakdown he pushes everything away. He bottles it up as if nothing happened, because if he doesn't think about it, it can't happen, right?

Bottle it all up. Don't break. Act normal.

He knows that's toxic and immature but what's the point of thinking about it? He can't control what Eywa decides, he can't change fate. And so he shoves all his emotions deep into his heart, where even Esmyrie can't find them if they bonded. It's painful, but he rather suffer in pain alone than have to put his problems on other people.

He's done that before and it only led to his father hating him, he didn't need anyone else to feel the same.

And so, when Neteyam found his brother and Esmyrie together after the oldest son was ordered by his father to check on his brother, Lo'ak wipes his eyes and stands up. He acts like he didn't just have a panic attack, because he knows Neteyam and if Neteyam saw him sad, there would be questions and the last thing Lo'ak needs is to explain his emotions to him.

"Hey bro, you good?" Neteyam asks when he reaches the two, his eyes moving from Lo'ak to Esmyrie, trying to read something.

Lo'ak appears to still be struggling for air, and Esmyrie is still crouched down, her hands that were holding Lo'aks now holding the sand below her.

"Yeah, yeah." Lo'ak says, clearing his throat.

His eyes though always move from Neteyams face to his chest, expecting to see the bullet wound every few seconds, but it's never there.

"Are you sure? Baby brother, you seem sad." Neteyam points out, his eyes moving to Esmyrie who appears to be crying.

"I'm fine, bro." Lo'ak mumbles, crouching down to place his hands on either side of Esmyrie's face. "Hey, hey it's okay. Let's just forget it, yeah?"

His words don't comfort the girl by any means but she lets the boy help stand her up and wipes her tears, giving Neteyam a once over, and sighing in relief when there is no wound.

"Did I interrupt something?" Neteyam asks.

"No... no just... dad being an asshole." Lo'ak says. Which is partly true, his dad was an asshole, that just isn't the reason he had a breakdown.

"You scared me to death, I cou-"

"What?" Lo'ak asks, the word death seeming to trigger him and have a wave of sadness wash over his body.

He lets go of Esmyrie and walks closer to his brother, his eyes inspecting his body and then pulling his brother into a hug, not caring if the act is out of character for him.

"Uh.... okay." Neteyam whispers, hugging his younger brother, his eyes casting to the girl with an expression that asks 'what is happening?'.

The girl however just shakes her head, giving the two boys a soft smile. This just solidifies her decision that she has to save the boy. Lo'ak needs Neteyam and Neteyam needs Lo'ak.