Not the End

8 - Breakfast

I didn't let him walk me home. I cannot risk him being here, ever. 

I lay in my hammock with a heavy, sickening feeling. I fidget with my hair, trying to distract myself, but all I can think about is Neteyam. I should feel happy and over the moon after the day we had, but the fear and anxiety are overwhelming. My family will never let me be with him. If I am with him, the village will find out, and there is no way of keeping it a secret. There is no way for us to be together. We will be torn apart one way or another. My skin is boiling from all this anxiety, I just want to be with the person I love. No one comes close to him, I will never feel the way I feel with Neteyam with anyone else. I can't tell him why we can't be together, no one can know. I feel like throwing up all of my insides, I wish I could just run away to the forest and never stop.

My thoughts spiral uncontrollably throughout the night. When I finally drift off to sleep, I dream of flying above the forest with Neteyam, going far, far away.

-- 

I wake up in a cold sweat. I can't be here. I slip out of my hammock and hurry to the Sully's. I don't know what I am going to do, but I cannot be home, not around my family. I feel like I can't breathe all the way in, like something is constricting me. Calm down, nothing has happened yet. Today is any other day, nothing has changed yet. I stop walking and close my eyes, I am not moving until I am calm. I breathe in and out slowly, my heart returning to a normal pace. I rub my face and sigh. Everything is fine.

 The Sully home is quiet, like the rest of the camp. I climb onto the canopy, drawn to a ray morning sun shining directly on one corner of the woven cloth. I lay in the warm sun, focusing on the feeling on skin, I close my eyes, letting the thoughts float away.

"Hey," A voice startles me, as I feel a gentle nudge on my foot. I fell asleep. Idiot. My eyes open slowly. 

"Did you sleep here?" I sit up on my elbows and squint into the sun. Jake squats in front of me with a very concerned look.

"No, no, I just got here, I did not mean to fall asleep." I rub my eyes. This is so embarrassing. "Sorry." 

"You don't need to apologize." Jake kneels on the canopy. "You are more than welcome here any time. I just want you to have a real place to sleep." He watches my face carefully. "Is everything okay?" He asks, "Like at home?" He says quietly. No, no it's not.

"Yeah everything is fine. I just didn't sleep well last night." I explain while sitting up.

"You know you can always talk Neytiri and I, about anything." He stands, he sounds really sincere. I nod and smile. "You hungry?" 

"Uh, yeah actually." I touch her stomach, realizing how hungry I actually am. 

"I'll start breakfast." He heads down to the main room. Jake Sully is an intimidating man, but he really cares about people.

I lay back down but leave my knees bent and up, tracing the stripes on my thighs and counting my spots, like when I was little. 

"Hey." Neteyam's voice comes from behind me. My ears perk right up, I suddenly feel very awake.

"Hi." I tilt my head back, seeing him upside down makes me smile. "How are you feeling?"

"Better." He replies, sitting in the sun next to me. 

"Your dad is making breakfast." I mention, turning my head to look at him, he nods in response. His eyes are closed, watching him bask in the sun makes me forget about everything else. I count the spots on his arm until footsteps come towards, Neteyam opens his eyes, mine follow his gaze to his mom, I give her a closed lip smile.