Yours, Hatefully! (ORIGINAL)

03

«Michelle»

I am curled up into a ball under the shower. The cold water prickles my skin. I am scrubbing my skin as hard as possible but I can't get rid of the feel of blood on it.

Neither the feel of Cruz's hands. Nor the ghost of his lips on my ears.

No matter how much oxygen I take in, it doesn't reach my lungs. I can't breathe, can't move, can't think.

It just hurts. Everything hurts.

Cruz is the reason behind all this pain. He has never done something so insensitive. Did I get so out of line, that I provoked him to do the worst? Is it my fault? Do I deserve this? To feel like the world is crashing over my shoulders and I'll give up any second?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

NO.

NO.

NO.

NO.

What the hell are you thinking Michelle?

Nothing is your fault. You do not deserve this. A messed up boy with a messed up life and even more messed up morals can't make you question yourself. Not your abilities, not your personality, not your nothing.

You healed.

You came out of the dark hole. Please don't crawl back inside it.

Please, please, please.

Stay.

Oh my God! I hate Cruz. I loathe him with all my being and I swear, the day I lose all the humanity in me, it would be his last day on earth.

The water is so cold but still not cold enough. Not enough to freeze me to death. But that's okay, I am not dying before Cruz.

I collect my broken pieces from the ground, gather the courage and with all my strength, stand up on the wet floor walking to the mirror.

I see my reflection, but it's not really mine.

I see a ten year old girl covered in bruises with a fresh wound on her lower stomach. A child from whom all the innocent was snatched away by the monstrosity of fucked up people.

Why it's always me? Why am I always a prey?

I crumble once again that night. And again. And again. I break until there's nothing left of me.

I promise myself, that it would be the first and the last night where I would allow myself to be the most vulnerable, most broken, and most miserable.

After this, I'd only be stronger.

I've gone through worse. And I rose up. I survived on the days when I thought I'll lose myself. I am here, alive and breathing. I can do this again.

I'll fight my battle until I win.

I'll break a million times but I'll still stand up again. Just for that ten year old girl. The girl who didn't deserve what she went through. The girl who is allowed to love. The ten year old girl who died a thousand times and now lives inside me as a ghost of all the goodness.