"𝘐 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘕𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘺𝘢𝘮,
𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘮𝘦."
Life in Awa'atlu was as predictable as the way water flowed across the sea, with everything set in motion with routine and order - that is, until the Sully's arrived...
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As I climb onto our stage, I feel the nerves bubbling within me and threaten to drag me back into the sea. I was shaking and I feared that everyone in the audience could see it as well — what look would that give the Metkayina in front of our guests? This dance was supposed to symbolise our strength and unity as a clan; if I was to be the one to mess it up, the shame that it would bring would be too unbearable.
With that in mind I stood tall, front and centre of the rock, forging confidence and I took a small breath to gather my courage before I chanted. At first it was loud enough to hear but not loud enough to be believed. Again Za'ranin. I thought to myself, desperate not to disappoint. Though the anxiety clouded my vision, I knew Ronal was sitting up front probably looking at me with expectant eyes, I could feel it. So once I reached the end of the line, I took yet another large breath and pushed out my voice, hoping it projected to the whole clan. Though I felt my voice crack somewhat as a result of my nerves, it was better but not ideal. Not enough . Ronal was counting on me, she specifically chose me and I couldn't let her regret her choice — I needed perfection. My chant came to an end and the drums now dominated, I was no longer in control and I had no choice but to follow along.
It's okay, I can fix this. I have to save this.
I try not to think and instead allow the sound of the ocean to guide me; I replicate the way the waves twist and turn in my ears and trust it to be my guide. It takes possession of me, the drums becoming my heartbeat, controlling my every action. Though my eyes are wide open, I see nothing but a mirage of water splashing in front of me, as if it were an illusion. Only when the drums cease and the sound of applause echoes in my ears do I return to reality. Suddenly, the audience in front of me becomes apparent, and my heart rate increases as I start to recognise faces clearly: all those eyes staring at me, I hated it.
Now everything felt wrong. Everything was uncomfortable—the way the skirt clung to my damp skin when I was still; the way the anklets clamped around my ankle; the chill of the stone beneath my feet. Everything. My heart pounded against my chest and I felt as though I couldn't breathe. But I was stuck. I was front and centre so all I could do is forge a smile and pretend all was alright, hoping that Ronal would be quick as she boasted in front of the guest, praising us for our performance.
As soon as we were dismissed I was the first one to dive back into the ocean— the impact of my body hitting the water snapping me out of my hyperawareness. Though, in this state, the water was also my enemy — with my heart racing this fast it was within my best interest to get out of the water as soon as I entered, I didn't want my nightmare to become a reality.
"You were amazing!!" My best friend beams as she greets me with a hug as I come out of the water.
I just manage a half laugh as I calm my nerves. I was ready to call it a night, skip the celebrations and just head home to rest. Well that was the plan before Tsireya began to lead me elsewhere.
