Burning Heart // CL16

Twenty Five

"How are you doing?" Kiraz asks as she sits down in the salon seat next to me and I shrug with a soft smile on my face, not having to pretend about being happy.

"You know, all things considered, I think I'm doing pretty well," I tell her as I look down at my nails, a beautiful neon green. It was very different to the nails I'd had for the last few months that were more fitting with the neutral vibes I'd been giving. Now... it was black basically all the time. Not much had happened since France three weeks ago. I had been in New York for the last couple of weeks and I watched the disaster of a race in Hungary from the comfort of the rooftop pool in my building, the sun beating down on me and Kiraz as we watched nervously. I was happy with my decision to leave that day.

For the most part.

It still hurt when the day after the French Grand Prix and I saw Charles on Marian's story - an image of them shopping in Paris, looking the picture perfect couple that they always did. I screamed internally when I saw that photo, the proof that I was right to leave. Sure, maybe they wouldn't have been together if I had stayed but it showed that I was right to think that he would run back to her at the first chance of issues between us - I had saved myself a tonne of heartbreak by getting out when I did. So even though it hurt to see him holding her hand the way that he had held mine the day before, but again, it reassured me I had made the right decision as I sat at home and cried with Kiraz. I gave myself that day to cry and promised myself that he didn't get more. I'd never see him again and as far as I was concerned, I could really focus on trying to move on from whatever had happened, especially with the reassurance that they were back together.

The first time I laughed was the day after that, when I saw the article that had Charles so stressed came out... it was so bad. I couldn't believe the article itself or the comments below it but I decided to myself that if he was happy risking us to protect his image from the blowback of that article then I'd dodged a bullet. I couldn't lie that I was kind of pissed off about it all though, the shade was clear to see and so I wasn't able to stop myself from being petty and posted a hella shady TikTok back once more. The sound came on my for you page right after I read the article and the video only took seconds to make... and I had no impulse control. "Someone told me stay away from things that aren't yours...but was he yours if he wanted me so bad? Pacify her, she's getting on my nerves, you don't love her - stop lying with those words" I just lip synced the first bit, stopping before the pacify her bit because I don't want to add fuel to the fire. But I did realise how fitting the entire sound was for our situation. I did hesitate about posting it but ultimately Kiraz was sat next to me saying I should post it. At the end of the day I wasn't wrong because...well it was true.

The first time I broke my promise to myself about crying was after the Hungary race. About ninety minutes after the race ended, my phone rang in my hands, the familiar photo of the two of us from the Amber Lounge event coming up on my phone as my heart beat out my chest in anticipation. It was beating so hard that I could barely hear the ringtone over the pounding of my blood in my ears, driving me insane. I let it ring out, not able to press the decline button as I just looked at the photo of us taunting me over what could have been... if he wasn't such a fucking liar. Oh yeah, at this point I was back to angry. The third time it rang was when I finally switched that phone off, unable to take the temptation to pick it up. I hadn't switched it back on since that day and I was happier for it. The only time I went on social media was to share a post or a promo for some deal or another and then I tried to exit immediately. Before I could get sucked into looking at either of their profiles. I was only successful about half the time.

I worked out, I walked Dylan and in the evening, Kiraz and I went for drinks with different friends. Some from university, some from different modelling gigs. All of it was beyond useful for distracting me from the pain in my heart. Kiraz was great - apart from when she was taking the piss out of me via different TikTok trends: "And remember kids, the next time your best friend tells you: 'I'm never letting him back in my life'. Oh yes she will." but she got me back to enjoying social media and doing those quick videos for fun and so I had taken to posting on TikTok more and more each day. I didn't overthink, I didn't check numbers, I just went about my life and posted occasionally. I was kind of shady some of the time... the main one towards Marian already mentioned but another one to Charles using the Gossip Girl clip of "So you'll pick me up at 8? - You'll really go out with some guy you don't know? - Well, you can't be worse than the guys I do know." That one came after the photos of them on their holiday came out.