Burning Heart // CL16

Twenty Six

Belgium came and went and I didn't return to the paddock - plenty of questions around where I was came about but Christian never pushed me. Especially when he found out I had been ill recently and it was likely a result of overworking, as proven by several days of sleeping over ten hours in a row so we opted to just not have any representation at the next couple of races which was fine because both Spa and Zandvoort were basically blow out races. He did make it clear he would appreciate it if I went to Monza but apart from that, nothing more was expected of me. Even so, Dylan had gone back to England with my mum as I stayed in the US, kind of too ill to travel back to my main base or to the races and also uninterested in doing so. I did end up going to dinner one night with Christian's wife and two daughters, Kiraz accompanying me for support like we had discussed.

It was nice, everyone was nice but the evening left me with more questions than ever as I tried to piece together my reality and theirs... I still couldn't figure out how or why things had changed for him. For them, why after two and a half years we were trying at playing happy families... but honestly, I was just thankful it was happening because it truly was nice to be here with them.

"Hey bitch! What's up?" Kiraz says over the phone and I screw up my face as I shake my head, pulling one hand over my eyes to shade them from the sun. "Still feeling shitty?" She asks curiously and I nod.

"Yup... it doesn't matter how many bikini videos or photos I share... how much sunbathing I do... I still feel like garbage!" I whine as I recline on the deck chair next to the pool.

I love my New York flat... it's to die for. Everything about it, sleek, modern - three bedrooms, one office, open plan kitchen, dining room, living area. It is all amazing and the definition of the perfect bachelorette pad. It's on the second top floor of a skyscraper in Manhattan with a miniature balcony wrapping around the flat which is where I spent most of my days working and sunbathing rather than in my office. Days like today though, I wasn't working. It was yet another day where exhaustion had chewed me up and spit me back out worse than I had ended the last day.

"Mentally or physically?" She asks from the phone, clearly sat in a coffee shop, I assume in the Hampton's where she was shooting a new campaign at the beach.

"Can't it be both?" I ask, raising an eyebrow that she can't see under my too big sunglasses.

"Sooo...I'm not just calling for fun and games. Isa called, she wants to know if you're doing Monza? She says that you have been blanking on her messages and calls?..." Kiraz says and I groan as I sit up and look around the private pool.

"I haven't been avoiding her or the question - I just literally haven't looked at my phone until just now. Honestly, you got lucky with the random time that you called me because I just posted on OF again," I tell her as I massage my head, feeling my stomach turn slightly once more.

"You're really not doing well are you?..." she says leadingly and I just agree as I take a sip of the ice cold water sat in the shade on a table next to me. "Erm babe...I say this out of love and concern but you've been very tired, throwing up a couple of times a week for over a month now and..."

"And what?" I ask clueless as I shift my sunglasses up onto the top of my head so that I can squint at the image of her on my screen. "Kiraz...use your words," I encourage her as she continues to not say anything.

"You know what?... your bikini looks amazing, is there a reason basically everything you wear at the moment is red and black?" I don't respond to the clear avoidance tactic as I tilt my head to the side, utterly bewildered by her recent strange moods and glances. "Look...I'm back in three hours, how about we chat when I get back?"

"I can't, date tonight," I tell her with a shrug and she gasps with excitement.

"Date? What? When? WHO?!"