Burning Heart // CL16

Forty Three

Monaco, 26th January 2024

"Hey boo, how's it going?" Kiraz asks as I sit on the floor of my bedroom, back against the bed as I look towards the door as though I'm waiting for a cry any second now but it never comes. "That good huh?" She asks as I don't answer and I just give her a shallow nod. "How's the house?"

"Beautiful... obviously but I miss my home..." I tell her sadly, looking around the still undecorated room, slightly numb as my heart aches for the little girl that is out in the living room with Charles, abiding by the unspoken rule that I give them time together alone. It was the reason we were both here after all. The flat was lovely, it was beyond incredible actually but it wasn't our home. The mix of colours and chaos in our house was missed and Dylan was in Edinburgh with my mum. Everything was just... wrong. I had to admit he had done an impressive job of getting all this organised so quickly. It had only been a matter of days that he had bought and furnished it with the list I had Carlos message him of things that were needed that I wasn't packing to send from Scotland. When Ruby and I arrived, everything was set up, especially in her room, I could see he had gone a little further than the list I sent him but I obviously couldn't blame him as she crawled around happily between the large stuffed animals in the corner of the room.

"How is it?" He asked as he leant against the door frame, trapping me in the room I was looking around and I just give him a tight smile as I nod.

"Good," I tell him as I look around a little more. Everything was there that we needed and he'd even gone about getting a bookcase with kids books on it in the corner of the room, the collection impressive but my guess was he had panicked and gone into a store and just bought everything that the store person suggested. Not his fault but it just felt like a bit much.

I hated that he had bought everything here though. From the flat itself to the bedding and blankets, Charles had bought it all. It felt like his home and I was a guest... well, I felt more like a prisoner, unable to leave because who knew what the alternative punishment would be.

"Your mum is coming out soon?" Kiraz asks, pulling me out of my distraction and I nod.

"Yeah, I'm hoping to get a lease on an apartment for a year just two doors down. It's two rooms so as a worst case scenario I have somewhere to go with Ruby when this inevitably breaks down even further... I haven't even told him yet," I tell her, refusing to say his name, barely any words spoken between us since the hotel room nearly a month ago. I watch as Kiraz looks beyond concerned towards me.

"It was a nice post that he shared of the three of you?" She offers and my frown just deepens and I watch her flinch as she realises she said the wrong thing.

"I have to go..." I tell her, switching the subject as what little appetite I had for talking had now disappeared.

"Oh, alright well take ca-" I hang up before she even finishes the sentence and slide the phone away from me on the carpet as I fight hard not to leave a dent in the perfect wall of the perfect flat by throwing it. I just sit there as I try not to cry, staring at the clock on the wall until I can't help myself anymore and I finally get up and leave the room, going towards where I know they will be in the living room. I breathe the first almost full sigh of relief, an instant smile coming on my face as I see her holding herself up on the wooden coffee table, her little legs getting so much stronger and I know she's so close to getting her first steps, something I can't wait for her to do. Something I'm terrified of her doing with one of us missing but I know the chances are high since we spend such limited amount of time together in a room.

Part of it's my fault. Charles is trying. I think. He's angry but he's trying, seeming appreciative of the fact that we're both here as though I had a choice. Unfortunately I can't make myself interested, I did what he asked, I moved us to Monaco but our home was still in Scotland and I resented my hand being forced. I couldn't trust him. I'd confided my fears about everything to him and then at the first opportunity he had, he'd used it against me. Then there was the post Kiraz mentioned. Two days ago he had put a photo up on Instagram of the three of us from New Years, Ruby's face was hidden because she was looking at us not the camera in the photo but it was captioned 'Happy New Year from the Leclerc Clan'.