Burning Heart // CL16

Twenty Seven

And another chapter!

It's a long-ish one so buckle up! Alsoooo I don't apologise for re-inflicting the emotional damage on you...try not to get bored and focus on the stuff in italics it's new ... you'll know what I mean when you get to it!

Apart from that please feel to like and comment and keep potential baby names coming, I'm still deciding but there have been some very good ideas recently! I need to decide soon though because I'm at that point now and it's gonna be a lot of effort to replace the name if I keep writing haha!

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I ended up missing Monza, getting an appointment with a midwife in the UK that weekend. Kiraz and I flew there instead of to Italy as I apologised to Christian but he just shrugged it off even though I could tell he was slightly disappointed I didn't make it. So I had my appointment, confirmed what I already knew which was that I was 9 weeks pregnant by the time I had the ultrasound - easy maths to do given it was the only sex I'd had this year - too busy travelling to get up to my usual shenanigans. Although it had been 7 weeks ago - you measured pregnancy from the time of your last period so that made me technically 9 weeks pregnant.

I didn't tell anyone other than Kiraz, quietly determined that the next person to find out would be Charles. As much as I was pissed off and worried about his reaction, I knew in my heart that he needed to know. I knew how much his dad meant to him, how much family meant to him and I knew it wasn't my place to decide that he wouldn't be a father to this child, that was his decision to make even if I did keep it regardless of what he wanted.

However, he wasn't making it easy. Every call and message was ignored and then I was pretty sure that he blocked me. I was desperate though, even trying to get Carlos and Isa to help pin him down for me but they had no success and so ultimately I decided I would go to the Singapore race - less than ideal given how shit I was feeling most days - a long flight sounded like the last thing that I wanted but it was what it was. Christian was happy that I agreed to this race and so

Kiraz was with me, more protective than ever as we travelled half way across the world to try and deliver the news to a person who I knew before we arrived had no interest in seeing me. Also, can't lie - Singapore is a bloody hot place to be and for someone who was working as an incubator and struggling to regulate their body temperature it really was not ideal. I stuck to minimalist dresses, loose not because of my news (which was still obvious to no one) but because it was so damn hot outside. We went to every day of the race, including media day but it seemed that someone had given Charles a heads up about our presence in the country. He was never around and on the five occasions I had seen him, he was moving so fast and surrounded by so many people that he was shielded from me.

If it wasn't for the fact that his eyes had met mine every time we did overlap in the garage then I could pretend that he wasn't avoiding me. That he was just unaware that I wasn't there. The first time was when he was on his way to the car. I was on my phone, on his side of the garage, having already given up hope on seeing him but the second he stepped into the garage I felt it, my eyes lifted up and I looked towards him. The moment my eyes were on him, his were on me. For the briefest of seconds I saw a spark of happiness to see me, before it all fell away once more. Then the next emotions were clear for me to decipher. Hurt, anger and regret.

I took steps towards him, trying to capitalise off the fact that he had stopped in his tracks when he saw me but the moment I tried to move towards him, he snapped back into action and then was gone in an instant, back to his stuff. I waited in his section, my eyes firmly on his famous little notebook that I had found and was gripping in my hands, desperate for him to come back and claim it from me. But he didn't. Before he got in the car he had Andrea come and get it, I relented. Ashamed with myself as I walked towards the other side of the garage to Kiraz and Isa, we're waiting for me, nervous looks on their faces as they saw the disappointment on mine.