𝐔𝐍𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 || 𝐆𝐗𝐆 ||

46

Lydia's POV

~~~
TW: Self Harm

Break finished, it was running into second period now, around 10 minutes into it.

I clean up my wrists with tissues, there's still blood but it will stop eventually. I take some tissue just in case and flush the rest down the toilet. I wipe the tears away from my cheeks and attempt to slow my breathing.

After a few minutes, I unlock the stall. The pain is intense, I wash my hands as there's blood which dropped onto them and then quietly leave the bathroom.

I'm not sure what lesson I have, I think it's history where I now sit next to Ryan.

The walk to the classroom was slow, I try to take my mind away from everything I was feeling even though there's a sickness in my throat and a guilty feeling in my stomach.

I enter the classroom, not saying anything but smiling at the teacher who smiled back, I then take a seat at the back of the classroom beside Ryan.

Rea looked at me quickly, Luca did too, I sink back into the chair and smile at them both before opening the book.

"We are just reading this lesson." Ryan whispered and I nod and turn to the assigned page, "Where was you at break?"

"Busy." I whisper but my voice came out as shaky and the tears returned quickly.

"Lydia?" He whispered and I hum, "Look at me."

I shake my head and then he sighed.

"What's wrong? Where was you at break, you knew we had something planned but didn't even show up?" His voice was quiet and I shrug.

"You know I don't like having all the attention on me, I don't like the crowds or anything." I answer and he sighs.

"I forgot, I am sorry." He apologised and I nod.

I feel the pain in my right arm, it's intense, it's causing the tears to form in my eyes which I blink away. I feel the tissues soaking up the blood and I regret it.

The reading continues quietly until half an hour later where there's a fight or something outside and people leave the go see it, the teacher leaving to go help breaking whoever it is apart.

Ryan took this as a chance to speak to me.

"You are on the edge of tears, is it bothering you that much?" He questioned and I shrug.

"Stop talking to me, let me read whatever we are doing." I look at him and he looks worried but has an understanding look on his face, "Please, there's a lot on my mind right now."

He nods and we go back to reading like usual.

It's just about all of the historical events, I find it quite interesting and fascinating to read when others are clearly getting bored.

My chest tightened, my stomach drops and the pain just grew worse, the tears reappear and build up after each minute but I manage to get rid of them.

I can't do this, I can't just carry on like this. It's hurting, it's hurting me badly and I don't know what I am supposed to do to get rid of this pain.

~~~

Lunch came quickly, I am now walking by myself to the hall once again, it dried up, there's blood on my arm and blazer but it's drying, the pain hasn't stopped, the tears haven't stopped either.

I walk through the doors, there's no crowd or decorations this time which removed some weight from my shoulders and then everyone is sitting at the table.

I sat beside Rea and Luca like usual and I look at her.

"Can I talk to you?" I ask and she nods and I sigh.

It took 10 minutes for her to finish conversations before she took me to an empty classroom and we sit on the chairs.

"I'm sorry, Rea I am so sorry." I look at her as the tears form quickly and she looks at me confusingly, "I can't do it, I can't carry on with us when I am feeling like this and it's hurting badly, I don't want it to pass onto you, I don't want you to be worried about me as much as you are. It's only going to lead to me pushing you away, I don't want to do that, I don't want to distance myself from you all because of what is going on."

She was silent, she was still and didn't say a word.

"I still love you, of course I still love you but I can't continue with having you loving me, and me loving you when I can't even love myself. I know you said you will help me through it, but I can't have you holding onto something that is fading away." The tears fall down my cheeks, they fall down hers also and she nods.

She takes a deep breath and nods, looking at me and she's hurt.

"It's okay, it's okay I understand. I hope you get better soon, I promise you it's going to be okay, I am here for you, I am here to love you, to be friends with you, to be everything to you if you need me." She whispered and I nod, "Just hang onto yourself, love. Don't let your spark fade away, not just yet."

"Here." She sighs and pulled out a bag from her own bag and slides it over to me, I get her things out of my bag and give them to her, "Open them when you get home."

I nod and wipe my face with my hand and took a deep breath.

"I was in the bathroom, everything got too much and it felt like it was my only option. It hurts, it's hurting badly and I am running out of tissue." I confess and she looked at me worriedly.

She searched in her bag and got out some bandages and tissues with wipes and gave them to me.

"I keep them in there if anything happens." She mumbled and I thank her, "Do you need help?"

I don't say anything but she brings her chair over to me and I pull up my sleeve, she locked eyes with me for a few seconds before taking a deep breath as I remove the blood soaked tissue.

Looking at the cuts now make my stomach twist and my breath getting caught in my throat but it all unravels as she wiped my skin clean, she was careful not to touch the cuts as she knew it would hurt, but she still looked at me for reassurance every few seconds.

The process hurt, when the wipe would catch onto the cut, the pain would rush through my causing my eyes to squeeze shut and Rea whispering an apology.

After a few minutes, she placed some folded tissue over everything and wrapped it in a bandage.

I realised there and then that she was crying. Her cheeks had a few tears rolling down them and then she pulled the sleeve down and stepped away from me.

"I'm going to have to love you silently now, no more telling you whenever I feel like it or when you are around, I will just have to love you from a greater distance. But I will come back for you Lyds, it's always going to be you."