Under My Protection

Chapter 5

Rain lay on the grass, running his fingers through it, brushing it side to side, lost in his thoughts. He tried to ignore Phayu's presence in his periphery. He often tried to ignore Phayu's presence. Tried to think of him as any other annoying, uptight traitor to his very existence in this house. Maybe bodyguards kept him safe, although he'd never actually experienced any actual threat, but they also worked for his father. Reported to his father everything he did. Treating him like a child who could not be trusted to do anything right.

He had never known any real freedom. Trapped in this house except for school, Sky's house, and formal occasions for which he was dressed up and paraded around like some grand prize. Expected to put on a show to the outside world that he was his father's pride, his father's willing and competent heir.

Rain could sense Phayu standing along the house wall. Knew he'd be scanning their surroundings, ever on alert. But he also knew that Phayu's eyes rested on him periodically; Rain could feel the burn of them on his back. Ever since last week he had felt things shift between them. Rain and Phayu had moved on from that day as if it had not happened, as if they had not stared at one another with Rain laid bare to Phayu's eyes.

At first, after Phayu had left the room, Rain had simply stood there, water dripping down his body until his shivering grew too uncomfortable. What had he done?

His first thought should have been to grab a towel and cover up. Or yell at Phayu to get out. To shove him out. To turn around. Anything. Anything but stand there like he had.

Normally, Rain avoided people's eyes on his body, even his doctor. It left him feeling exposed and vulnerable. Showing no emotions to the outside world was his best defense. But it left those close to him regarding him with pity. Pity that Rain didn't want but knew he got. He knew that sometimes Bun Ma and Sky would look at him, when they didn't think he noticed, with sad expressions that spoke of distress and sorrow. Distress that they couldn't help him. Sorrow that they could not express.

But when Rain had looked into Phayu's eyes, he felt seen. Seen and wanted. Wanted and .... loved? He rationally knew that Phayu didn't love him, wasn't in love with him, but he couldn't move from Phayu's gaze. For the first time, he wanted someone to see him. See him, know him, and want him, and when he looked into Phayu's eyes that's what he felt. So he stood while Phayu's eyes drifted across his body, feeling the desire in them. For once, he didn't feel broken or damaged, but whole.

He had stood there long after Phayu left, slowly drying himself off, before moving to the mirror. He looked across his face wondering what Phayu saw when he looked at Rain. What it was about Rain that Phayu could possibly find desirable. Objectively, his face was attractive, he knew that. But the face that looked back at him did not seem like someone Phayu would want to be with. He imagined someone taller, stronger, more sure of themselves. Someone worthy of Phayu's beauty and quiet strength.

Since that day, Rain had avoided Phayu's eyes, looking away, afraid to see embarrassment or regret reflected back at him. What if he had imagined the burning need he had seen in Phayu's eyes. Had he wished to see longing and, therefore, it had been there? Rain didn't trust himself, his instincts, his feelings. He had spent so much time covering his emotions under a blanket of indifference that he wasn't sure if what he thought and saw was true.

He rolled over onto his back, pushing himself into a seated position facing Phayu, who was looking past him across the garden. Rain knew that Phayu would never bring it up. Never start a discussion about it. Would think it was inappropriate because of his position.

Rain wanted to understand because not knowing was painful and confusing. But Rain was also afraid to ask because the answers, either way, would forever change the fragile relationship they had built.

As Rain continued to stare, Phayu's eyes turned towards him, stopping, staying. The contact between them left Rain wanting to stand, walk across the grass, and throw himself into Phayu's arms. Burrow deeply into the protection to be found there. Mad with the need to hear Phayu say he'd protect him, always. Love him always. Rain tried to say these things, tried to convey his feelings, without words but with his eyes. Unsure words to express these needs could even be found.

"Um, P'Phayu, can I ask you something?" he managed to spit out quietly with a shaking voice.

Phayu continued to study him, quietly, not responding immediately.

"Do you need something? Do you want to go do something else? You've been out in the sun for a while," while Rain understood Phayu's attempt at deflection, it was not what he wanted to hear.

"No, I'm fine here. I just, well, I was hoping, I wanted to, you know, talk about last week?" Rain's eyes landed on his lap, horrified at the incoherent babbling that had finally emerged from him.

"Oh" was all Phayu said in response. Rain was unsure if he could lead this discussion. Had been hoping Phayu would take the opening and start talking. But Phayu remained silent.

"Well, I just wanted to know what you think. I mean, about last week. I guess I'm confused, you know? Not really sure what it means. Well, I mean, if anything. It doesn't have to mean anything. If you don't want it to. Do you? Want it to?" Rain burst out in an embarrassing string of rambling words.

He looked up at Phayu who was still staring back at him with a blank look. Did that mean he didn't want to talk about it? That he felt nothing? That he had barely thought about it?

"I don't really know what to say, Rain. Or what I can even say. Am allowed to say," Phayu finally replied, eyes never wavering.

"Can you say what you are thinking? I'm asking you to. Please?"

After a deep sigh, Phayu answered, "Maybe you should start."

Rain wasn't sure he could continue leading this conversation. Could he really tell Phayu how he felt? Yes. He could. He would. He had to. He would not walk away from this. Could not move on as if nothing had happened. There was no way he could go on not knowing, living with this hole in his heart that Phayu just might be able to fill.

Rain rose from the grass and slowly moved to stand in front of Phayu, looking up at him. Tentatively, he raised his hands, letting them rest on Phayu's chest.

"I want it to mean something, do, well, do you?" Rain softly questioned, as Phayu's eyes moved to stare at his lips.

"I shouldn't, but I ..... I do. It does," Phayu breathed out as Rain gently pushed his lips into Phayu's. Rain felt hands squeeze his hips tightly.

Rain jerked back from Phayu as a voice traveled across the garden, "Rain, come inside, I've made lunch." Rain moved back further, turning to see Bun Ma in the doorway with a soft smile on her face. Heat traveled to his cheeks as she winked before slipping back inside.