Under My Protection

Chapter 18

In the week following the kidnapping attempt, Rain had refused to leave his room, either buried under his covers or hiding in the bathtub. He felt unsafe in every moment and sought out anything that would make him feel the slightest bit safer. He knew Phayu was outside his door and extra guards had been placed around the house, but it just wasn't enough.

He couldn't stop thinking about every moment of what happened. It played over and over in his head until he felt separated from his body. Like all those things had happened to someone else, like watching one scene from a movie on replay. But he knew it had happened to him, because he could feel everywhere they had touched him, like small burns on his skin that had left permanent imprints. Had left more places on his body that people had hurt him, places that forever carried some small residual pain as reminders of each injury.

He tried scrubbing them off in the shower. One shower after the next. Tried rubbing at them until his skin was red and raw. He knew Bun Ma and Phayu would be worried if they saw his reddened skin, so he wore pants and long-sleeved shirts to cover it. He was sure they were concerned for him and wanted to help but he didn't know what he needed. Didn't know what to ask for. Didn't know how to put to voice all the words that bubbled under his skin like scalding, boiling water.

Bun Ma had been the only one to enter his room since that day. She had continued to bring food, hoping he'd eat something. He would emerge from his cocoon to pick at his food, trying to ease some of her worry, but it was hard to swallow the food and even harder to keep it down. She would spend a few minutes telling him funny stories about the staff from the kitchen or what flowers were blooming in the garden, knowing he had not even looked out his window over the last week. He would watch her open his curtains each day after setting his breakfast down only for him to close them again once she left. He knew she was doing her best to distract him or bring him back to the present. But he could only smile weakly at her and nod his head occasionally. Then, finally, she would pat his cheek and kiss his forehead before taking his tray and slipping from the room.

Rain had not seen Phayu over the last week. Phayu had not entered his room nor had he knocked on his door to check on him. Rain had not gotten close enough to the door to glimpse Phayu standing in the hallway, although he knew he was there. Adding to the fears in his head, were new ones about Phayu. Did this mean that Phayu finally understood how truly impossible their relationship was? Had he finally decided that Rain was not worth the effort or the pain that Phayu surely felt just by loving Rain? Had he returned to his role as only a bodyguard and nothing else?

Rain didn't understand what Phayu's silence meant. But Rain also knew that some of the blame for the silence between them was his own fault. He also hadn't tried to talk to Phayu. He could be the one to invite Phayu in or just stand at his doorway to show Phayu he was okay even though he wasn't. But he was too afraid to find a blank look on Phayu's face or to hear Phayu say it was over. So, he hid. Hid from Phayu along with the rest of the world, unable to summon the strength required to do anything else.

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Phayu wasn't sure how he managed to wake each day and make his way to Rain's door. Wasn't sure how he forced his feet to move, one step at a time, down the hallways just to stand all day so close to Rain and yet so far from Rain. His heart told him to burst down the door, scoop Rain into his arms, and storm out of the house with him. His brain told him to refrain from such a foolish action that would end in at least Phayu dead, possibly them both. His brain told him to keep his distance. That both the kidnapping attempt and what followed could not happen again. He had allowed his feelings to make him careless. He had been careless in his protection of Rain and careless in his response to the situation afterwards. He regretted both, which he reminded himself of every time he was tempted to see Rain.