the right decision

Chapter 8

"Maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up."

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One week later...

"You went out to dinner with her and you did...?", I heard Amelia ask when I entered the attending's lounge. She was talking to Derek. And as soon as they saw me, they both immediately stopped talking. I could feel my heart racing. What was going on?

"You went to dinner with who?", I asked looking at Derek while raising an eyebrow. Amelia took the chance and quickly got up. "Oh, you're in trouble.", she said looking directly at Derek. Walking past me, she gently touched my shoulder. Almost like she was trying to comfort me. Before I could say anything to her, she was gone.

"Derek?", I asked in a more serious voice. He didn't look at me. It almost felt like he couldn't look at me. "What dinner? And with who?", I asked. My heart was beating through my chest, and I got super nervous. To be honest, I feared what he would reply. And I was scared about what his answer would do to our marriage. It already had a lot of cracks, and I was not sure if it would withstand anything else.

"When I was in D.C. two weeks ago, I had dinner with someone.", he sighed now looking at me. I could see the pain in his eyes, and I could sense that he knew how much this would hurt me. "I had dinner with Renee."

Renee Collier, his former lab assistant.

I didn't know what to say. A few weeks ago, he promised to work on himself and on our marriage, and just one week later he decides to go out with her?

The days after our fight were good. He was trying to put effort into our relationship, even though it was just physically. And honestly, we had the best sex ever. In this week, I had hopes for us. I had hopes that we would eventually figure everything out. But then he had to go to D.C. and when he came back, he was distant again. He was barely home and spend all day in his office. I thought that it was because his research had reached a critical phase. At least, that's what he told me. That's what I told our kids.

"Meredith... I...", he stood up and walked towards me. I instinctively took a step bag raising my hands. By doing that, I signaled him to keep some space between us. "Meredith... we really needed her research paper for our project, and I had a few questions about it – so we discussed them over dinner."

"Just say something...", he softly demanded.

"What am I supposed to say, Derek?", I calmy replied. "What do you expect from me? Do you want me to be mad at you? Do you want me to scream at you? Or do you want me to cry like our kids because they miss their dad?", I knew that the last bit was harsh. But I was sick of keeping my emotions in.

"I could do all those things. So, tell me, Derek. What is it you want from me?", I asked him.

"Listen, Meredith. I'm sorry. I should have told you.", he replied.

"Yes, you should have. But you didn't. You purposely kept it a secret. And that's the problem. Yes, I probably would have been mad at you either way. But the fact that you didn't tell me, shows me that you felt guilty about it.", I said. I had to control myself to not scream at him.

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want to give you another reason to question our marriage.", he angrily replied.

"Because ever since I picked up this project again, you find reasons to do so. I postponed this whole project for you. I decided to decline the offer to work with the president, so you could shine. I let you do your research, I let you win the Harper-Avery, and I haven't complained once. And I could've been way more successful than you ever will be if I hadn't quit the project for you.", he said to me in an even angrier voice.

"There it is again.", I calmly stated. "You think that your work is superior to mine. And you blame me for not continuing the project back then. But you came home, Derek. You told me that you wanted to spend more time with me and the kids. You chose our family. I didn't ask you to do this."

"What else was I supposed to do?", he responded looking at me.

"You know what? This isn't even what this is about. This is about you and your stupid little lab assistant who you can't seem to forget.", I said pointing at him.

"Meredith...", he tried to interrupt me.

"No, Derek. I'm done – I'm done fighting for this. I'm so tired of it. I told you that we had to work on ourselves to make our marriage work. But this is not up to me anymore. I tried my best over those past weeks. No, scratch that. I tried my best over those past years. And nothing has changed. We just have sex and try to make the best out of it when we are around our kids.", I could feel how my voice had gotten louder and louder. I tried to calm myself down by taking a deep breath.

"And I'm not saying that I want to end our marriage. I'm saying that it's your turn now. If you want this to work, then do something. Because I'm done, I'm not doing it anymore.", I said looking at him. It seemed like he didn't know what to say. I could imagine that hearing those things hurt a lot. Alone saying them out loud hurt a lot.

"Meredith... I shouldn't have said this to you... I love you and our family.", he responded but I quickly interrupted him.

"I don't wanna talk about this anymore. We both need some space. I will be in Chicago for the next few days, and you get to spend time with the kids. And when I come back, we can talk about everything."

He slightly nodded. I grabbed my bags from one of the lockers inside the attending's lounge. "I have to go the airport right now.", I explained to him. Before I left, I turned around looking directly into his eyes.

I felt the pain. But I could also feel the love in them. Even though a lot of things changed, there was one thing that will always remain the same. Our love for each other. Together or not, we just shared this special bond that no one could replicate.

"I love you, too.", I softly said to him and left for the airport.  

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