the right decision

Chapter 50

"You are in love, true love."

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I froze on the spot. In a matter of seconds, I have just screwed everything up. This is it. The end of our relationship. Not only did I just blurt out an 'I love you' in the most unromantic way possible, no, I also had the worst timing possible. Why the hell did I do this?! God, I couldn't even turn around to look at him. The embarrassment and the fear of rejection was just too big.

"I love you too.", he said to me, his voice sounding really soft. The tone of his voice also made me think that he was smiling while saying that. So, I slowly turned around to finally look at him. He did indeed smile. Possibly the brightest smile I had ever seen on him. "You... you do?", I asked him, my voice being all shaky and insecure.

He loves me? Or did he just say it so that I won't feel as embarrassed. I mean, it's definitely something he'd do. He was always so mindful and caring – he wouldn't wanna hurt my feelings. That's probably what's happening here. I... no... it can't be true. Why would he love me? I'm a mess. I'm complicated. I'm all dark and twisty. He... he's definitely just saying it to stop me from running away. I mean, the sex is great – so he would wanna keep me around for that, right? God, but no. Nick is not that kind of guy. So maybe, just maybe, it is the truth after all?

As my thoughts were getting more chaotic by the second, I didn't even notice that he had gotten up from the bed and now stood directly in front of me. His hand reached for my cheek and he looked at me with a smile. "I do.", he reassured me before he leaned forward to press a soft kiss onto my lips. "I love you, Meredith Grey.", he repeated while tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

Then, he pressed another kiss onto my lips. "Go to work, you're late already.", he said with a soft voice. "... don't spiral too much, okay? It's the truth. I love you.", he reassured me once again. Oh, why does he know me so damn well? I nodded. Now I was the one to lean forward and kiss him. I didn't really know what to say anymore. I wish I would find the right words somehow, but I didn't. This just didn't go as planned. And I hate it when that happens.

So, I did what I was best at. I left. Well, I didn't really leave him. I just went to work. But still, it felt like I was running from something. Running, pulling away, pushing people away – a Meredith Grey classic. I love him, he loves me. It's as simple as that, right? But somehow, I couldn't feel happy about it. My mind was constantly finding ways to ruin it. Maybe he didn't mean it? Maybe he just said it because he knew that I wanted to hear it?

God, it's really been a while since I last fell into my dark and twisted thoughts. But here I am. I really wish that things were different. That I could just enjoy this moment between us. This beautiful meaningful moment. And it's not that I think that he lied to me. Deep down I knew that he would never do that to me. Nick isn't a liar. He's the opposite actually, he's perfect. And maybe that's why I have such a problem with all that. Because I can't wrap my head around the fact that a man as perfect as him is in love with me. I'm not used to good things happening to me. And this was far more than just good.

I'm really just searching for problems where there aren't any, right? I'm sabotaging myself, I'm torturing myself... Because I don't think that I deserve all of what he's giving me. And of course, I realize how stupid this is. But on the other hand, I never had anything similar to what I have with him before. Every other relationship in my life was mostly about succeeding, about being extraordinary, it was about giving yourself up just to please the other person. With him, I didn't need to give myself up. I could just be myself. He likes me the way I am. He loves you the way you are, my inner voice corrected me. Right. He loves me the way I am.