the right decision

Chapter 38

"You're still all over me like a white stained dress I can't wear anymore."

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Should I let him go?

I looked into Nick's eyes. He deserves nothing but happiness. And, at least at this point in time, I can't give him that. My life is complicated, it's messy. It's full of problems and pain. And he doesn't deserve this. He deserves anything but this.

And Derek. Oh, he's in pain. He's hurt. And I know where he's coming from. When I was with him, I went through the exact same thing that he's going through now. Watching the person you love most kiss someone else, fall for someone else. Well, at least back then I thought that he was the person I loved most in this world. Now, I wasn't so sure about that anymore.

The fact that I was responsible for that, made me feel sick. After all, even though we are not in a relationship anymore, he was the father of my children. He'll always be part of my life if I like it or not. So sure, things would be a lot easier if I just got back together with Derek and put my feelings for the man in whose arms I still was aside.

So, it was the best option to let him go, right? To save Nick from all this mess, from all this pain. Right?

I swallowed hard as I heard Nick's voice. "Go.", he said. "Talk to him, take a moment for yourself – whatever you want. I'll be around...", he whispered as he gently caressed my cheek. And now, I could also feel the pain in his voice. How hard it was for him to let me go. Then, without looking at me again, he turned around and left the dancefloor until I didn't see him anymore.

I slowly looked into Derek's direction. A few waiters were already around him to pick up the broken pieces of glass on the ground. Right as I attempted to walk towards him, I saw Amelia approaching him. They both turned to leave. "Derek!", I said, not getting any kind of reaction from him. What did I even wanted to say to him?

Then I saw how Amelia touched his shoulder and whispered something to him. Something that had him nodding and then walk out the room on his own. I couldn't understand what she said. But then, she walked towards me. "Give him some time to lick his wounds. He'll get over it eventually.", she said as she gently pressed my shoulder. I just nodded and watched her go outside with Derek.

And then, there I was. Completely on my own again. After all, it would always be like that, right? In the end, you only have yourself. I let out a long breath and headed to the bar. I sat down at a quieter area and ordered myself a drink.

Okay, let's evaluate the facts here. On the one side, there's Derek. He's the father of my children, so he'll inevitably be always part of my life. And obviously, he was still in love with me. I however wasn't anymore. Sure, we still had some kind of bond with each other. After all, we had so many great years and went through so many dark times together. But I wasn't in love anymore. Too much had happened. Too much water has flowed underneath that bridge or however that stupid saying goes.

But sure, things would be a lot easier if I decided to get back together with him. He would be happy. I'm sure our kids would be thrilled too. I just had to put my own feelings aside for that. Still, this would be the easiest option for all of us, wouldn't it?

But then, there's Nick. Oh, Nick. The feelings I had for him were just... God, I can't even describe it. I suddenly remembered the thought I had earlier, when I was fighting with Derek. He's the one. He is. It's Nick. I want to be with him and only him. But the feelings I had for him were already that strong, that I would put my wants and needs aside just to see him be happy. And with all the chaos – with Derek still being in love with me – I had this feeling that we'd never be fully happy. At least until Derek gets over me.