My Dilemma

Kandy

So sorry!! I haven't updated in soo long because I got busy with stuff. Buut now I'm free soo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The funeral was a big blur for me. I didn't remember much. Well, other than the smell of the roses that Dean would've liked and the crying. Yes, there was a lot of crying and hugging and people trying to comfort one another. But I also remembered the aching in my chest and the feeling caught at my throat. I wasn't able to cry even though I very wanted to. My tears just didn't come out. It made me frustrated but I held my anger in. I just wanted to find out who did this to Dean. I want to avenge his death. My poor Dean.

I saw Sam waiting for me on my porch when I looked through the window from the door. That confused me. We had no plans together. So why was he here? Maybe he came to comfort me. But then why isn't he knocking? Why is he just sitting there with that grim expression that made me want to run to him and wrap my arms around him?

I opened the door slowly and called out to him, "Sam?"

He looked up and at me and gave me a small smile, "Kandy, you alright?"

I nodded, "Why are you out here?"

"I thought you might be still grieving and I don't know, I thought you might not want to see anyone."

"Sam, your'e not just anyone to me." I bit my lip, I had to try. This is Sam, the one who was so patient with me. My mate. My heart is supposed to be all for him. So why isn't it? Why was it divided like this?

I held my hand out for him to take and gave him a smile, the one he probably wanted to see, even if it wasn't real, "Come in, I feel like it's cold outside."

He chuckled heartlessly, "It's 73 degrees out here."

But he took my hand anyway and let me pull him up and into the house. Into the kitchen. I asked, "You want coffee?"

He stared at me, "Kandy..are you really okay? I mean, he was your best friend."

I shook my head, "No, I'm not alright but I will be. I have to be. If he was here, he would tell me to just pull myself back up instead of crying over his death. I know him."

Sam nodded and leaned in closer to me. I felt his breath, it was just inches away from mine and I realized his breathing was calming me. He sighed, as if he wanted to kiss me but he couldn't. He placed his hand gently on my shoulder and his lips touched my forehead, "Yea, you're stronger than you look. You'll be okay."

After Sam drove away, I went back to bed. As I hugged myself under my covers, I finally found my tears. I cried. I cried because Dean was dead. Because I couldn't love just one person. I wanted Sam as much as I wanted Dean. I didn't know what was wrong with me and why I was like this. If only I could trade places with Dean and died instead. Then everything would be okay.